Gonna miss you

Baruch hashem I made it back safely with no falls, I had strong urges, but I was aware of them and realized acting out is not the solution.

I'm proud to celebrate 54 days clean with day 50 being on hoshana raba!! Big zchusim!
I'm also really proud to celebrate my 1st elul zman clean in 7 years!!
I'm super proud of myself and if I look at the data, the main thing that changed now how I was able to stay so healthy was because of me posting on the forum and the support I got from the fellow gye chevra, so thanks so much for that, it's incredible how much my life has changed now I that I'm not running to act out whenever I have uncomfortable moments, and I'm able to feel the urges inside of me, and not beat myself up for having these urges rather I can process and accept them, and understand there are beautiful components of my life and part of me being a healthy human male


I love life!


@Parev I'll miss you to in the fellow streets of bais yisroel but I definitely hope to still be in touch!!


I'm going out of town for 2-3 days, I'm going to be alone so I'm texting here for accountability.


Love you all and hope to everyone is recovering from there 3rd 3 day yom tov


Smokey

Shalom Brother,

1 week later, I think the recovery is finally happening 

How are you going?

Hey!
Thanks for checking in
Bh I'm doing amazing!

I'm actually uncovering that yesterday and tonight right before I'm going to sleep like 1am ish I'm having  pretty big urges to masturbate 
I'm trying to uncover why
I didn't see any triggering content and I don't feel like I'm have a build up of uncomfortable and negative emotions 
That just means I need to dig a deeper

Out with going with the flow
And  time to bring in a pen and paper or maybe a mediation to try to uncover what's really going on inside of me.
I'm ready to try to get a bit closer to myself even though there's a big orange sign that says " hard work ahead"
Because I know it's the only way forward and the results are so beautiful and satisfying 


How crazy is it that the furthest distance on Earth is between the mind and the heart, it's frustrating that emotions have to be so complex, but I guess that's what makes us human, and that's what's so beautiful to be a true and proud Eved Hashem in this world,  even though there can be so much confusion.

Trying to get clarity and stay grounded admist the uncertainty, or sometimes a chaotic war zone

peace out and love to you all


Soul Searching ( and finding!!) Smokey 

Hodu lashem ki tov, for getting me to this place!

smokey wrote on 05 Nov 2024 07:16:

Shalom Brother,

How goes the soul finding?

Hey

Long time no speak there's a lot going on by me good and bad and I'm here to share

Bh I'm here celebrating 97 days clean, incredible and insane how I got here, and I couldn't have done without you guys lchaim to many more happy healthy and clean days

I also wanted to share that I got engaged! I didn't get a chance to share right away but it's a big zchus to be sharing the simcha with my fellow brothers over here.

On a other note life sucks right now, I don't have anything productive in my schedule I only settled in to yeshiva a month into the zman because I was "busy' so I don't have any chavrusos, and I need a productive job in the afternoon, I was supposed to be working with kids at a therapy clinic but they don't want me now if I cant commit to long term

We're getting married in Feb bezh which is really exciting, but we'll probably be in the states until after pesach, I'm honestly super frustrated and am not looking forward to the next 4 months if I don't have a productive schedule. I need structure. I thrive and live off it. Because of my abundance of energy and ADHD  it's super hard for me to learn for even one minute without a chavrusa grounding me

I also dont feel comfortable in my yeshiva now when I show up 25 percent of the time, So I'm really not incentivized to show up

This also makes me super vulnerable in the area of kedusha.

It's crazy because I have so much talent and I love working with kids with so much energy to give over and I can't find anything for short term, I don't even know what God wants from me, I literally cannot wake up in the morning if I don't have something to wake up for. What on earth is my Avoida?? super super frustrating.

I was going to write a whole inspirational post on how blessed I am to have made it to 90 days and how I did it but I'm in no mood for that, so sorry, I'm just going to be honest and share that even though I'm 97 days clean, I'm feeling frustrated and not content with life, I'm in a lot of pain and I can barely appreciate how far I came because of the frustration and lack of productivity I have in my life right now.

It's sad but its the real truth, and sometimes it's painful to be real, but I can't see myself doing it any other way.


Thanks for listening.

Signing out

Struggling to succeed  smokey

Baruch hashem I'm doing so much better!!!

I got a chavrusa in the morning and I have some subbing jobs in the afternoon, and I'm trying to workout and hit the gym consistently
Honestly, just expressing my pain on the forum helped me out a lot so thanks for listening 

And now I'm so proud to celebrate 100 days clean!!!
The data in my life clearly shows that the only way I was able to do this now, was because I started being active on the forum, Sharing my pain And struggles in a honest and vulnerable fashion allowed me to feel validated and supported for my struggles, so I thank you guys for allowing me to be me
I'm going in to my marriage bezh confident and aware that there will be challenges but "I got this" it may not be easy but I have the skills and support system to fight the battles I will encounter. I'm proud of the person I am now and am becoming to be, I went from Someone who went straight to hotlines and masturbation whenever I had emotional uncomfortability to someone whose able to ask themselves when a desire hits me, what's going on inside of me? What part of Smokey needs something and is not getting it?I still struggle obviously, but I'm able to be aware that my desires are usually not from a sexual drive and rather from uncomfortable thoughts feelings and emotions.
I thought I needed support and love from a female and that's why I needed to call hotlines but really I needed to support and love myself. Accepting and validating myself for my struggles and doing a reality check with my unrealistic and high expectations has been huge for me, and allowed me to finally feel comfortable with myself.

Huge.

Thanks again to you guys And thank you hashem for helping me get to this place 


Much peace and love from someone who never thought I would ever get here

 Warmest regards,


Sweet and Smiling smokey

So happy to hear you found a way to keep yourself productive and that your doing so good!

Beautiful post. I am in awe over how much you are in touch with yourself. Keep it up!