Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 21 Apr 2017 14:38:

II don't know if the attitude should be that I am only doin' it for Him, but if that works for you, go for it.

cordnoy wrote on 21 Apr 2017 14:45:

in a sense you might be right, but I feel, that I cant fool myself, for "me", as long I'm not cured, I would act out hourly, I'm still so in it, and I'm fighting every moment to stay clean, in all aspects, and for the "Higher me" I wouldn't do it again ever, its very depressing, so for now i cant ask hashem that I'm staying clean for "me", since I'm still just the "me" not the "higher me"...

Like I said, whatever works for you.

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 21 Apr 2017 14:55:

Replace "higher me" with sober me and remember it's only for today. And days turn to months and months turn to years.
And focus in on having a personal relationship with Him for He loves you.
And keep on sharing your journey!
There can be many reasons why we need to do it for there are many reasons... including right at the top of the list giving Tatty nachas! 
Really just keep reading - and 'learning in' sobriety and recovery and you are going to go really far.

Shivisi, just discovered your thread. Your courage (and wisdom) in sharing your challenges and history so openly is incredible. As you wrote, once you discover GYe you start to realize there are a lot of normal erliche people suffering, and that is very beneficial for you to stop viewing yourself as a loser/rasha. I see that a few people suggested you open up to a real person and that you responded that you find that very difficult. Be advised you can open a fake google voice phone number so you can remain anonymous and speak with one of the many successful people here. A tremendous chelek of any success Hashem has given me comes from my having been able to open up (very explicitly) with a live person. After a period of time becoming trusting in this fellow, I graduated the anonymity and with him use my real name and phone number (as does he).  Another option is to see a therapist specifically trained in these inyonim. They are extremely confidential. Whatever you do should be with hatzlocha. Keep posting.

good going!!!
have a wonderful shabbos iyh sober!!!

אודה השם מאד בפי
i had a sober Friday and Shabbes, sober eyes, sober toughts, and sober from touching and acting out, i broke a record from 30 years, i never had such a wonderful shabbes...
Thanks You Hashem, and thank you to all our chevra, only with your support, hope to do so next week too..

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 23 Apr 2017 04:49:

That's awesome, keep up the great work!

So happy for you. Keep it up. In shomayim they are celebrating too.

I don’t know if it was mentioned already here, but for anyone who understands Yiddish speaking, please listen to this great speech, from ר' בערל טויבער , this speech he held for Bucherem, but its excellent for adult addicts too, https://www.koltorahonline.com/index.php/artists/tauber-r-berl/bochir-tee-vos-di-vilst.html#.WP_AurAzUy8 he explains how the Brain and the Heart are working, what מח שליט על הלב means, it’s a phenomenal speech.. you won’t regret it.
for us addicts, it’s an instructions guide how to control our self’s..

i was the chosen one today  i was honored today, someone, ill keep it confidential who it is, surprised me, and donated a nice amount of money, if i will successfully make it to the wall of honor in 90 days, i will iy"h make it, ill get there...
thanks a million, 

Dear shivisi hashem
i read your post and i would cry if not being that im in an internet suite where there is other people
im a lot younger then you but ive been through a ton of things you can read it on my thread titled been to gehinom and back it may loo from the thread that its not a lot but thats because i left out all the gory detail not to entice others
i feel a very lot for you
im flabbergasted how after thirty years you still have the right haskofos and want to do the right thing
im not giving you a psak but it started from when you were still not a bar daas to know wrong from right i dont know how much at fault you are
keep going and there will be a time beazras hashem when you will be able to look back and praise yourself for the beautifully wrapped present you gave our father in heaven
you are a big chizuk for all of us
dont get bogged down by the times you fall just keep strong
love well worth it

Thank you for you kind words, and good luck on your jurney... you should have it easy..

HI GUYS I JUST HAD AN AMAZING EPISODE I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE.

I HAD A BIG FALL (AGAIN) AND I WAS FEELING TERRIBLE ABOUT LIFE. 
BASICALLY I JUST HAD A BABY BOY BORN ON EREV SUCCOS, WITH DOWNS SYNDROME AND A FEW OTHER COMPLICATIONS, SO ITS BEEN STRESSING TO SAY THE LEAST.WHICH DOESNT HELP WITH THE CONSTANT WE ARE ALL FACING.
ANYWAYS TO GET TO THE POINT...... I SAID THE FOLLOWING WORDS AFTER MY FALL: IM SUCH A LOSER HASHEM DOESNT WANT ME AS ONE OF HIS ARMY. AS THE I FINISHED THOSE WORDS I WAS WALKING ON THE STREET WHEN A VOICE FROM ABOVE ON A BALCONY CALLED OUT AND SAID," O A YID!! PLS COME UP AND JOIN THE MINYAN YOUR THE TENTH PERSON!!" 

NOW IF THATS NOT A SIGN FROM HASHEM THEN WHAT IS????

wowowowo!!!!! what a message, i call it a פתקא מן שמיא