This is my 1st time on the forum and I must say Baurch Hashem for GYE. I was brought to tears when I found this website. My addiction is such that I can go long periods of time without looking at pornography and acting out, sometimes for up to a year or more. After acting out I would feel horrible about myself, do Teshuvah and say I will never do it again. But as time wore on the lust grew and grew until I did it again. What was really disheartening for me was that after a while I was acting out with the foreknowledge of what the outcome would be. I would act out, feel bad and do Teshuvah and say I’ll never do it again. But when faced with the Yetzer Harah and the opportunity I wouldn’t or couldn’t stop myself. It happened usually went I was feeling lonely or frustrated with life.

Welcome, Othniel! I must tell you that the people here are more than a strong supportive family filled with love and goodness. Be sure that you'll get a lot of chizuk here. And most of all, what's crucial for dealing with that problem we all share in common is the belief in Hashem Yitbarach. The belief that only He can get you out and keep you out for good.

I reccomend the Newcomers package if you haven't looked at it yet. Bon voyage!

I can relate to the pattern you describe. I know that many others here can as well.
Where are you holding with this now?
Loneliness, boredom, resentment, frustration, stress, and many other emotions can trigger us to seek our drug. If we can recognize this, the next time we're in the situation, we can take extra measures to avoid being alone, and, even better, work on ourselves and our lives so these emotions don't rule us.

My status right now: I’ve been clean sense early November. I’m jobless and without a car so I have a lot of time on my hands which is a recipe for disaster as I’ve learned. Fortunately I spend a lot of my time on the computer reading articles/watching videos on Chabad or Aish, but in the past spending lots of time on these websites has not been enough to keep me from indulging at some point. I found this website about a month ago and for the 1st time I feel really hopeful. Before I never knew how long I could hold out, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was going to fall again. Now I have hope that this time I can with Hashem’s and your help win. Just the idea of sharing my secret with others has been a strong deterrent. Not sure if I need the 12-Step program or not, but definitely I need someone to be accountable to, whether it be through e-mail or phone calls, which I think would be best, but I’m still a little nervous about that prospect though. Plus there is at least one aspect (something from my past) of my addiction I’m not sure would be proper to share on the forum or even if I want to. It disguised me to my very core. I probability need to talk to someone about it though. Other real problem areas are when I see a woman who is dressed in a licentious manner or in seeing a commercial/advertisement (sign or magazine) and movies with the same kind of woman.

Hatzlocha finding a job. Sitting around and surfing the internet isn't a life. It's important to connect with real people in a normal way. Is there a local bais medrash where you can set up a seder? Are you working out? Hanging out with family? Friends?

Congratulations on being clean since November. Many who visit this website wish they could say the same.

This addiction isn't fed only by looking at grossly inappropriate websites and masturbating. Little things like allowing fantasies and mental images a seat in our mind will also perpetuate the need. Which brings me to movies. The concensus here is that watching movies is going to mess up your sobriety. There are inevitably attractive young women to look at. Even if they're not dressed to kill. Just looking at a pretty face can be destructive to us.

I really don’t know how to answer your question about being active in the community without sounding like I’m making excuses. I question myself, “Is there something more I could be doing.” I am working on getting a car now and once I have it; I plan on being more involved with family and friends. Plus it will make finding a job easier. I’m just waiting on my mechanic to fix a couple of things. He should be calling me any day now.

Othniel wrote:


Honesty is always helpful. Actually critical. An addict is an expert at making excuses. Whatever excuses it needs to justify getting his drug.

Addictions thrive in isolation. It is very important to get out. Not just out physically, but out of yourself and into the lives of others, and bring others into your life.