For the upteenth time since I joined the forum, I would like to appologize to anyone and everyone whom I offended or pushed away by my crudeness and rudeness.
I am neither promoter nor recruiter for SA. I realize now that I was too forceful in spreading the message of recovery; albeit recovery that has done miracles for me.
I must realize that very few people here share the full extand of my problem, and therefore my story and journey are hardly relevant to guys who occasionally touch themselves inappropriately, or look at images of not tzniyus goyishe women. Guys who come here for moral support and chizuk of true Torah values. Real frum Yidden, dedicated to upholding these values, despite their occasional glance at a lingerie catalogue.
To my dismay, I am not one of these guys. I masturbate a few times a day to hardcore pornography, I obsess with images of every woman I cross paths with, I visit strip clubs, and I think of other, pretty women, when I am having sex with my wife. Granted, I haven't done any of that in 1 year and four days (or at least made an effort to confine the obssesion), but what is one year compare to a life-time of dispicable behavior? Not even 5%.
So it came the time to realize that not only GYE can't help me, it is actually getting in the way of my sobriety. Unlike SA, where there is no cross talk regarding other people's "shares", people on this forum are encouraged to comment on other members' posts. I feel that I have taken an unfair advantage of some of the posters' openness to promote my one-sided agenda, and for that I am sorry.
Also unlike SA, where we say "let there be no gossip or criticism of one another, instead let the love, peace, and understanding of this program grow in you one day at a time", this forum invites criticism of one another, which is a healthy way Jews always used to find out the truth. I feel that I abused my critiquing privileges by being obnoxius and unloving.
Apparently, I can't handle this method of human interaction. It bothers me greatly, and like I said, being in a constant state of arguing with folks here, disturbs my serenity and gets in a way of sober living. It is of no help to me, and of no use to you.
So without further elaboration, I would like to thank Rabbeinu Guard for putting together this great place of hope and inspiration. I know I couldn't have found SA or sobriety without Guard Your Eyes and all the friends I made here.
But I must put myself first, and I fear that continuing to post here will jeopardize the most important thing I got going right now: staying sexually sober.
Best wishes on your respective journeys. I realize now that there may be other ways to stop compulsive sexual behavior ( if anyone here suffers from it). I agree to respectfully disagree with some of you.
(Obor)Mottel
P.S. If you have my phone number, I'll be happy to stay in touch.
If you want to get my phone number, pm me, and if I feel you're safe, I'll give it to you.
Before calling, please consider that I will only be open to discussing sexual recovery in the context of Sexaholics Anonymous, or neutral topics, but I will hang up on you if you try to start a debate, or engage in self-pity and try to dump your problems on me. Beleive me, I got my own issues to deal with, and I can't waste time and energy if you don't want to get sober once and for all (one day at a time, k'muvon v'gam poshut).
Otherwise, I am always happy to share my miserable experience, dubious strength, and abundant hope with you.
