Hey!

I've recently realised how P & M is truly effecting all of my human interactions in a very negative way.

I just want to check if this is "normal" and if anyone experiences this, and can relate to what I'm saying.

I just feel more distanced than usual, and am not as attentive and emotionally involved in my various relationships with family and friends.

Also, I have been dating an amazing girl for about 5months, and we get along and have sooo much in common, and I am truly inspired by who she is and what she stands for. I'm just not sure if, by now, I should be feeling more of an emotional connection to her, than I actually do.

I used to consider myself a great listener, and would be patient and show a strong interest in others and their lives... Now i feel much less like that kind of person that i used to.

Does this make sense to anyone? What else can I do to promote great relationships in my life, and hopefully develop a stronger emotional connection to my girl friend.

I have been practicing meditation + self hypnosis to try and remedy this problem - as i feel that those things help focus the mind on the present, and promote greater calmness + patience.

Please help....

Have you read the handbooks?  There are links to it in the welcome package here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3677.0 .

Of course P&M affects your relationships.  You must address this problem or it can will ruin your relationships.

Keep us posted on your progress my friend.

Hey! 

I have download and printed the GYE + Attitude Handbooks and am working through them.

Thanks for the advice gibbor!

Shabbat Shalom =)

Great!  Change takes time and patience. Have a good shabbos! Keep posting and KOT (keep on truckin).

In response to your initial post, YES! Big time.  Was calloused (insensitive) toward other people's feelings.  Even had a cruel streak.  Not good things to have when you're trying to build a marriage and raise children.  This addiction is very dark and destructive.

Complete abstinence from the lust drug will put your addiction into remission.  It will take time and work, but you can re-awaken your sensitive instincts.

Is this girlfriend a hands-on relationship?

By the way, welcome to the neighborhood!

Alex

Time4Change wrote on 04 Nov 2011 07:24:


I think that the first step to this would obviously making sure to never expose yourself to any porn anymore, and I think that the feelings of emotional connection will go away on their own. I think that meditation would help speed it up, since it gets you more in touch with yourself. I know that in time your old personality will shine through again.

Time4Change wrote on 04 Nov 2011 07:24:


 
My P & M addiction also causing the similar type of issues with relationships. Every time I do it, I feel a good for a short period of time, then feel depress after that, causing me to not to care about anyone or anything. I have been trying taking nutritional supplements, but they take some time to kick in.  I hope meditation & self hypnosis will help you.

Welcome,

Another thing to think about is that you are keeping a secret from her.  If she's being entirely open with you and you're keeping a secret, you'll be holding yourself back some, and in a way that's kind of tricking her--she's giving a 100% and you're not.

Yes a lot of guys here can relate to what you are saying.  myself included.  it's the cloud of isolation, selfishness, lust, etc.  I can walk home to my family, like an alien, a negative alien.  I'm sure there are some tzadikim who come back to their families, cleaving to Gcd, and in a different kind of "detached" state, where they are in fact totally attached to H", and achieve some kind of bitul.  But the kind of "detachment" that comes from P&M is a negative kind, it distances us from Gcd, and from bitul, and we end up in bad states.  Hey I just noticed that PM, you know like AM/PM, stands for post meridian, but can also stand for P* and M*.  Remez, v'emenutecha b'laylot.  We engage in P&M in PM when the darkness conceals H" from us.  But we need to strengthen ourselves with faith. 

But I'm the biggest liar because I'm white knuckling it, so take my words with a pound of salt.  (don't eat the salt, just have it on the table).

ontheedgeman wrote on 07 Nov 2011 02:50:

I would disagree with you based on this week's parsha.  Avraham is speaking to G-d, yet when travellers come, he takes care of them.  If someone becomes detached as a result of their "d'veikus", It's a siman that it is really selfish and not d'veikus at all.

My 2 cents.

well it doesn't mean he loses his dveikus to H' to entertain the guests.  I would just reply that yes, Avraham Avini takes care of the guests with his body and soul, but he's still doing it all l's hem shamayim, and he is holding close in every act.

I was just addressing your statement that




You seemed to indicate that "cleaving to G-d" put's one in a "detached state" from other people.  Perhaps I misunderstood you.

1daat wrote on 07 Nov 2011 02:41:


I have read in White Book that they do not recommend telling love ones, since they would not understand it. [Couple years ago, when my addiction was not that bad, I saw a program about porn addiction, back then I could not relate how people could lack control. But unfortunately only now, my addiction got so bad, that I understand it.]  It's probably best for him to not to tell, but to work on becoming clean before marriage. Currently, I am not dating anyone seriously, I also struggle with the question when / if tell about my struggles. I guess I would not tell before marriage, but if ask directly, I would not lie about it.   

I just wanted to ad one thing, I'm also about to date and I spoke to MANY rabonim about telling her about this problem and what comes out is that if wile you are dating you are still hooked to PM then you should tell her. But if you stopped and are already in recovery its not good. When you get married its like a NEW person totally. There are supposed to be limits between you and your spouse.
Too much closeness brings fights chv"s.
So you should definitely not tell her unless its something that you are still struggling.
We shall hear only good news!     

@struggler, I remember hearing one guy say how he was a sex addict, I was like whoa, what a loser!  how can someone get addicted to that!  I judged him harshly.  And now I'm on the other end of the table!  It's wild.  Who could have authored such a strange turn of events...

Telling loved ones to me seem to be a matter of 1) timing; 2) words used; 3) helpful/not helpful; 4) what our motives are.  just my thoughts.  usually the guys who are buggy eyed and so eager to tell their spouses within the first 5 minutes of their white-knuckled recovery, aren't telling their spouses at part of their recovery plan, but out of the rush of seeing their poor spouses faces.

May we all merit to bask in the Divine Glorious lights of the Holy One who protects His people and keeps their eyes and hearts pure.