Hi,

The name's Leo and improving myself is the game! Slightly longer now... My chosen GYE name is Leo Lazlo, I'm joining the GYE forum after having been involved in two "cruises" with Duvid Chaim and his talmid Shlomo (GYE 4 more, GYE 5 less [due in part to personal situations that interfered with phone privacy]) to take another step in my journey to becoming a better person and Yid.

Oh, and I'm an addict!  (Or maybe  :'( ?) I need to say this because every couple of minutes my brain starts with, "Leo, you've been sober now for an half hour. You're no addict". Very little exaggeration, unfortunately.

I hope to add more background and introduce myself more fully as time passes and relate my background and experiences, but as my perfectionist tendencies would stop a post I decided to post anything and improve as time goes on. "The perfect is the enemy of the good."

Your chaver,
Leo

As an addict I was hoping that there would be many warm messages of support and welcome by now. At least I'm saying that I'm an addict. 

A little more background...

I started masturbating at age 12(?) after reading a book that mentioned it obliquely. The frequency increased over the years. I called a sex hotline from the house off a number I saw in Manhattan, not realizing it cost money. When questioned about it I lied.

My parents got dialup Internet years ago (through AOL, CompuServe, etc.) and I discovered pictures and pornographic stories. Skipping forward, I got married and for a short period stayed home and used dialup Internet to watch videos. A few years later we divorced (due to interpersonal relationship issues or lack of them - trans. we had no connection and plenty of fights) and I now have broadband.

Over the last couple of years I've gotten stuck in the mire of my own making, until I finally had enough. It felt like it wasn't life anymore but a living death. I went through various stops before getting to the therapist who introduced me to GYE and helped me stick my toe in and eventually keep it there. First by getting the emails and then by joining a telephone conference. I consider myself a talmid of Duvid Chaim and Shlomo (I don't know if they want such talmidim  )

Slowly, I've tried to make changes in my attitudes ("Yes, I'm an addict", "Yes, it will kill me", "Yes, I can let go of a resentment", etc. ) and my actions, to claw my way out of isolation and to start living life instead of merely barely existing.

I've made some great friends along the way, some of them whom I have yet to meet face-to-face but have instead met heart-to-heart, and hope that they consider me a 'chaver' as well. This is a path that we are walking on, the 'derech arucho, shu k'tzoro' to greet Moshiach (now or in the future). Please allow me to join you on the trek because I'm weak and can't do it alone.

Welcome Leo. Sounds like you're on the right track. Stick around and hatzlacha.

Hi Leo,
shalom aleichem and welcome!
wishing you hatzlocha in your efforts and hoping you stick around here, both for your benefit and ours
zs

Leo,
Welcome.I remember you from duvid chaims calls. I never spoke up bec of anynomity issues however I was always impressed with your honest and thought provoking questions.although I don't post much I read everything that is posted and I would advise to read as well. There is some great stuff here. It gives me chizuk and I'm sure it will give you as well.

Gut shabbos
Maalin

Thank you UAJ, ZS, and Maalin for the kind words. I definitely plan on being around here often as a way of getting out of isolation. At this point in time I'm up very late at night, and its hard to get in touch with someone at that hour. I'm hoping that being able to post will be of help. I'm also considering to make a TAPHSIC shvuah.

I just acted out (last five minutes) so I'm feeling down, but part of my nechamah is that I can come here and honestly admit who I am right now. That as I try to stay sane, there is one place (amongst my GYE chaverim) that I can say it all without a need to hide.

May Hashem help me and all of us. Have a great Shabbos!

Zemiros, where did you get that name? (Must be a story there...)

welcome leo!
you know me from shlomos calls although i have a different name on GYE
the youngest memeber.......
WELCOME

Hello leo, welcome and please enjoy your stay here.

Hello i know you from the calls. You relly know mesilas yesharim

& I know you too...... from the calls.

How about trying to get in contact with some of the guys in other time zones? East Coast, Pacific Coast, Eretz Yisroel, Europe... there are ppl awake just about anytime!  do you really think that you are the ONLY one who goes to sleep late at night?

& even if the person you try to call is asleep, leave a msg in his voicemail. The act of speaking it out breaks part of the Yetzer hora's power!

Thank you everybody for the chizuk!

HashemsSoldier, I'm terrible with names, especially on the GYE calls where there are no faces or names to associate with but just indistinct voices. I could know you very well, but still not "recognize" you, if you get my drift.

mbalegria, I'm sure I will! 

chaimhelp, thank you! There is a world of a difference between knowing some of the words and living by it, but you have to start somewhere... (If what gave you the impression was when I read part of it on the call, please realize that I was using a translation of the Mesillas Yeshorim, so I could easily read it then.)

Yosef Hatzadik, my good friend! You know this addict, very slow moving at times. How will I call those guys using Google Voice? I guess I can buy some minutes on Google Voice, maybe next year...  (or  :'( )

A little more background...

As I've said on the calls, I download and watch TV shows and movies on a constant basis. After a couple of months on GYE, I told myself, "Leo, if you could choose, you would choose not to be interested in this [a deep topic that I'll leave for another time]. Do something". So I gave up watching one show, still had plenty to watch and even watched other shows to make up for the "missing one". A while later I gave up three shows, bringing the total to four, and continued. What I hoped to accomplish is that every time I see those shows and tell myself, can't watch that one, I'll remind myself why. And that I'll remember what I really want.

After Pesach I saw a show that I can watch and didn't watch it. Tonight was the same. So even though I'm tired, stomache ache, etc., I'm happy! How many times in the past, with my eyes closing, body hurting, did I watch a show or a movie? Tomorrow I might watch shows, watch more of them, etc, but today I added a brick to the building that's waiting for me very patiently. (An allusion to a concept that was discussed many times on the cruise.) 

Leo my friend - you stood up to a chalange kol hakovod.

Take one at a time.

I am saying this to myself- even though its on your thread.

Dont give in to that mushches.


The cheerleader Vaad..

shkoyach!!

I just acted out and in need of chizuk. So I'll concentrate on what I can take away for next time instead of beating myself up about it (that will happen anyways...). So here goes.

I was tired and under a lot of work related stress. I ran into some (seemingly) insurmountable obstacles that were part of a chain, which are the worst ones for me, as I feel that I can never get it done. Using a tool that doesn't seem to be giving the correct results, calling the company will take more time and last time it took about twenty four hours to respond, we're heading into a weekend so that means Monday, client wants it done by today, this is holding up other work that I need for... BRAIN FREEZE!!!!

So what can I do differently?

- Come up with ways to manage workload better, in order to have less work due in same timeframe.
- Set expectations of clients more appropriately, so that stress level is less.
- Workflow for keeping track of tasks needs improvement.
- Reach out to more GYE people, earlier (Had two phone calls, so +1).

The question on my mind, is how do we square this type of hindsight and taking steps to prevent future episodes with the Twelve Steps' "obsession of the mind", "we will act out again", "G-d can take it away", etc. That seems to be discounting taking these (practical) steps and to focus rather on spiritual steps.

(Is this the right place to post the question and how to I get Dov of GYE chizuk email fame to take a look at it? I would like the benefit of his response.)

Good Shabbos everyone! I love you all! (Maasim chitzonim meorim hapinimyuim...)