OY YOY YOY VEY! I'm starting shidduchim now and I appear on the outside to be a very attractive candidate. I'm the top bochur in a pretty choshuv yeshiva. I'm very warm and chesed oriented and popular and I'm a role model to weaker bochurim. BUT I CAN"T SEEM TO HOLD MYSELF BACK! I've been addicted for the past 10 years to masterbating. I've tried to go clean for long periods of times. I've restricted my internet access only to find myself looking to other mediums to fill my taivehs. I'm scared of what kind of family would come from such a ba'al taiveh as myself and have been pushing off shidduchim for a while because of this but I'm already coming to be an alter bochur and am receiving alot of pressure from my peers and rebbeim to start and I'm too much of a coward to tell them why I don't want to. I've read some of the horror stories on this website and am worried that my taivehs won't stop after I'm married.
ANY advise would be very much welcomed/ appreciated.
Thank you!

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

1 final thing. Rabbi Reisman gave a wonderfully eye opening Shiur on addictions, and what Hashem expects from us. He also deals with feeling of Yiush and guilt. If you have not listened to it yet,  I urge you to do so.  Here's the link: (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3)
May Hashem be with you!

I come from a very similar situation as you and I just want to let you know that there is a bright and well lit road ahead.  Just by joining us you have gone down the right path.  I joined here just a short while ago and received much success from Hashem through the hands of GYE.  Please read the suggested material as it is very helpful.  It will take a little bit of work and a lot of self-control, but you are almost there.  Trust me.  The hardest step is over.  Making that call for help was by far the hardest step.  The only question is whether you have enough in you to make it the rest of the way.  Keep it up!!!!

Rising Up

Should I look for a girl who is a tznuah or attractive?

Attractive without Tzonuah!?
The first and most important things are inner qualities. Only then can you start looking for appearance.

mike iggy wrote on 30 Mar 2011 09:56:


Why do you think the two are a stirah?

She should be both modest and attractive to you.  And, needless to say, inner qualities are far more important.

Here is my own personal saying that I have in mind when dating:

"Tzniyus is more beautiful than that which it covers."

Get married! We are far from perfect when we stand under the chupah.  We can only achieve our sh'laimus through marriage.  Your wife and children will help you grow in ways you simply cannot when single.  Marry someone you find attractive.  You're going to be looking at her for a long time. Read "Garden of Peace, a Marital guide for men" by Rabbi Sholom Arush.

Make a commitment not to look at women in any setting, including pictures, whether perfectly tznius or not.

Stay plugged in to this wonderful online community.  Read and implement the various strategies.

Thank alexeliezer for taking my posts seriously.  :D

I believe that while under the influence of our addiction, I (we) view females through a somewhat twisted lens. Obviously you want to marry someone who you find attractive but always be careful to clearly differentiate lust from love.

alexeliezer wrote on 01 Apr 2011 18:08:


???

Thanks Alex!

I'm glad that someone here is willing to take all the heavy hachra'os (decisions) on his breite pleitzos (broad shoulders)! :

Ben,

I sure hope no-one's coming to an anonymous internet brotherhoood of addicts for hachraos.  This is encouragement and friendly advice from someone with more life experience.

Hey Mike,
I'm sorry if I'm taking this the wrong way, but why do you think that only Alex is taking you seriously? After your first post, people offered advice. After your second one, you confused a lot of us. They were merely responding to what they felt was a misplaced attitude. Everybody here is in the same boat. There are many personalities in the GYE family. If you are willing to accept everybody in their own style, and you are truly interested in being a Mekabel, there is a lot to be gained from this site. If not, then maybe GYE is not for you, or maybe you can just PM Alex if that helps you more.

I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I respect the other guys here a lot and it bothered me that you were specifically insinuating that they did not have your best interests in mind.

If I was wrong, I apologize.
Reb Yid

alexeliezer wrote on 06 Apr 2011 16:52:


You're right, it's just that the conviction in your post sounding sort of like Nike's, "Just do it!" I didn't mean to take a jab at you (maybe just a poke in the ribs...).

Over here, the most often repeated advice in these situations is that if you really do think you have a problem, and you can put off the dating until it's under control please do, rather than shlepping your baggage into a marriage and thinking that marriage may be part of the solution. Experience has shown otherwise, and you don't have to take my word for it. Just look at all the similar threads and read what the real experts here say on the subject.

E