Hey all, I’m just using this to write down my thoughts and feelings. I just failed. I let Hashem my father down. 

I’m so upset with myself, I get to 8 days clean, then I fail, I get to 14 days clean then I fail and I just can’t seem to catch a break. I’ve deleted all my social media, I just have YouTube. I don’t stay on my phone before bed, I still struggle with sleep due to illness. I go to the gym 3x a week and I guard my eyes, I have only male friends (cut out all my female friends over the past few years), I have lots of chavrusa and try and learn Torah. 

I feel dirty and disgusting when I’ve failed. All I think about how disgraceful I am when I shake someone’s hand on shabbos and how impure I am.

here’s the thing though, I don’t want to give up, I keep trying and always will do. I will get to the point where I don’t think about doing any aveira in my life time. 

I also listen to clean song, I watch clean tv shows. I work hard. And yet a day like today was really tough, even if I using distractions they work for a little bit and then BAM it gets me. 

I know deep down that Hashem loves me, but I can’t help but feeling that he’s super disappointed in me and will not have mercy on me. Maybe that’s just my yetzer hara, making me think the worst thoughts.

i don’t know if any of this is making sense, but I don’t know what else to do. 

all I’ll end with is, I won’t give up, I can’t give up, I won’t give up on myself or my future family. I want a good life and Hashem has blessed me with a good job, a beautiful family and now I want him to bless me with the chizuk to overcome this huge nissayon and eventually find my Zivug. 

I hate to call myself a frum yid, but I am. 

I pray for each and every one of you that individually and together we overcome these challenges in life, that Hashem blesses us with the strength and only good/clean thoughts. 

Now to wait another 7 days and I’ll be physically and mentally clean. I just wish I was physically clean now. 

p.s. sorry for a long message. 

WOW do I have respect for you! I would not be able to pass your test in your circumstances! Buddy you got this! Hashem put YOU her because he knows you have the power! So you fell, OK your human! Not that its ok but you will persevere! 
Davening for you!

Hey chaver.

Thank you for sharing. Sounds like some heavy thoughts weighing you down.

Just a suggestion. It sounds like you've made serious lifestyle changes and put in significant work to get to a good place.

That's awesome! You need to recognize you've done amazing things.

But it also sounds like there are some really powerful tools the gang here recommends that you may not be using. Tools such as 1) an accountability partner you can speak to and be really honest with about your status. 2) a mentor you can do the same with. 3) learning to reframe this struggle as a positive opportunity to come close to Hashem (reading the book "the battle of the generation (link below) is a good place to start in on that.)

Hatzlacha and keep up the good work!

Hey! First off, you’re a tzaddik. And the fact that you hold yourself to such high standards is because deep down you know how big of a tzaddik you are! Please be nice to yourself! You’re doing great! I’m over here trying to just get to 3 days straight, let alone 8! Part of my journey has been learning to speak nicer to myself. Yes I’m unhappy with my actions, yes I call myself names. But I stop myself and focus on how to be better. What’s my next step. How will I be better. Just yesterday I fell and was harsh on myself. But I implemented something new and it worked! I was clean today! Chasdei Hashem! Those are just my thoughts. Love yourself!!!

Hey, I really understand the struggle. The feeling of thinking you are doing great then out of no where the yetzer hara just gets you is devastating. 

You have to remember that all the effort was not in vain and a 14 day streak is seriously impressive. Im in awe.
I know the feeling of "how can i be frum if i do this"- you are normal and have a yetzer hara.

Would love to discuss tactics, etc if you are down?

Welcome! You're in a lot of pain right now because you are down. But if you don't like where you are, you can use that to motivate yourself to make things different from now on. But momentary motivation alone is not enough- you need to strengthen yourself to be able to be motivated every day, and you need the best tools in the fight.

Why don't you try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:

1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.

2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.

Links are below in my signature. Wishing you much success!