In the summer I did 37 clean days by far the most I have ever done. A week in I didn't even feel urges and honestly thought for the first time in my life I have gotten past this. Well, that was then this is now. I can't get back to that point I have made it to 11 days but with extreme struggle. I have been doing more and more awful things that I have not done in the (past don't need to say openly here) and I hate myself for it. I'm especially affected during times of stress and anxiety (and I do suffer from the second) my work is down my back and threatening me as well (accusing me of underperforming FYI not true) adding tons of more stress. M is almost like a drug for me but then I feel much worse. I beg Hashem every davening please, please help me out of this, but at this point I just keep falling more and more. My wife and children (and perhaps me) deserve better than this. FYI not making any excuses, but I have suffered from extreme sexual abuse another story for another time but likely why I'm at this point.

Hi PaulONeil21,

Don’t beat yourself up 37 days is an amazing streak. Have you tried accountability regarding this struggle, it’s the method that has been working for me the best so far. I highly contacting HHM : michelgelner@gmail.com. He’s been helping so much in this struggle.

Also one way for me to deal with stress is to exercise maybe when you have an urge you can try that instead. You can also take a look at all the resources on this website they can definitely help.

Feel Free to PM me !

All the best,

Holy brother! PLEASE don't give up! The struggle you're describing is so hard yet, unfortunately, so common. Zeh Leumas Zeh- there's so much help out there! You're in the right place and help is on the way! May Hashem give you the strength to continue this awfully bloody battle. 

Fighting the same fight

I think its important for all people that want to be free of these sorts of addictions to remember that life is a journey and things take time. Often time, we try to make large moves in life so we can get there faster. Hoever, life, unfirtunately, doesn't work that way. We need to follow the flow of the river and use its current to help us get where we need to go.

That being said, never beat yourself up for a mistake. We are human and are prone to many mistakes in life. It's important for us to remember that even when we do make mistakes, we can use them as spring boards to propel us forward. We need to become more comfortable with the idea that we are imperfect and we are living in times that are very far from ideal. As we make our way on this journey to recovery, we have to remind ourselves that recovery is a practice, not a destination. It is a desire and an initiation to consider an alternative and more positive way of life.

Each one of our circumstances is different and we cannot punish ourselves with harsh retoric, anger and self affliction when a mistake occures. Just like you would be compassionate to a child that makes a mistake, we need to learn to have compassion towards ourselves. After all, are we not all children?

HI Rabbi Paul,


Welcome, you made the right decision in joining GYE. 
This is the Gan Eden for people like us. Where we finally learn that there is hope. 
Yes, from every dark and terrible prison that we live in, there is hope! 
Firstly, yes, past trauma of any sort especially sexual abuse usually come out in some form of disorder. But it can be healed. Depending on your story it might be easy or hard to heal, but you can heal. There are many many people on here that have gone thru terrible traumas and abuses and have turned their lives around BH! 

What you are saying about stress and anxiety, you are in good company as well. I had/have the same issues, I wont say for years because its been decades...... But, I have learned how not to get carried away with it and not to escape to sexual fantasy, BH. You can and will too IYH!

Stick around, read the posts, DO THE F2F program. 
Good luck brother!