thanx but if i don't look at this like i'm never gonna act out again (ODAAT of course) i would be acting out right now. i wanna do everything in my power for that i need motivation. Realistically speaking i probably won't stay clean but there are so many tools that i can use and it seems that fears and gratitudes really work
thanks hatzlacha

hi guys
i think gehinnom will be being married to a woman you truly love in active addiction. i don't know what's worse that or a fiery pit.
I'm in a bad mood (sort of) i am in middle of a massive binge i found a loophole in my computer filter and i can now watch real porn not little pictures on a camera. and i get up in middle of the night and watch (during the day its too risky even when i'm home alone for whatever reason).
I've decided this morning that I want (still need to run it by my sponsor) to add TaPHSiC to my program. the reason is simple when i'm on the Forum or at a meeting i have all the willingness i need to go and surrender my lust. however on the battlefield (i.e. in middle of the night etc.) i lose some of my resolve so if i add a TaPHSiC it won't stop me from acting out (I'm powerless) but it WILL (hopefully) push me to surrender
have an awesome clean day

Sorry you are having a challenging time. Did you try calling anyone when it got rough?

yes to make a long story short, i called someone twice he told me to call again but i didn't i was too anxious and honestly i was scared he would convince me not to act out. i should've taken a klonopin.
Tonight i B"H pretty much forced my wife into changing the password on our computer. I approached her with the settings open and just said "here". 
so tonight i can't watch real porn i daven that hashem should keep me sober tonight
hatzlacha

mikestruggling wrote on 16 Aug 2017 19:24:

Great work!

Speaking to your sponsor is always a great idea! Remember the filter isnt going to help us be sober or recover! Its just a mere safeguard of which hopefully we wont even have to use! 

mikestruggling wrote on 16 Aug 2017 19:24:

Very good, that takes alot of courage. Can you block the loophole in the meantime? You will probably find out the password at some stage.
Continued Hazlacha

Just caught up on what's happened the past few days. Mike (if I can call you that), sounds like you've been working hard the past few days. Keep up the good work that you've been doing!

Hi guys my wife is in the shower and i have the computer open so the longer my post is the longer i didn't act out
thanks for all your responses i always appreciate it
as to fixing the loophole i can't fix it fr real what's happening is that i can log in to my wife's work computer in the states which is how she works here in Israel and she leaves the login info already typed in so i just have to open the program hit O.K. and i'm in to a filterless computer
the only way to fix it is to tell her that i noticed it which in my fearful addicted mind may mean she figures out that i've used it then the question is for what bla bla bla
my sponsor says i have to pray for willingness and i pray for the willingness to believe him (just kidding my sponsor sees this). he's right i'm not willing to give it up it's so enjoyable nothing in my life can compare 
gotta go wife's about to come out
Hatzlacha

just to finish off the last thought i'm not willing enough to stop but i recognize that i NEED to stop "beruchnius uvegashmius" i suffer from emotional problems very much because of my addiction
additionally in my SA group when i see the guys with real sobriety they DO seem to possess a happiness "i would otherwise never know" i CAN get that
hatzlacha

i'm in a rut again. i am coming closer to my first step experience i am coming to admitting (stopping to deny?) that i am powerless over lust and that my life is unmanageable. yet i don't feel too motivated to change that. i can daven for motivation that helps. my underlying problem as i see it is that i never had any form of manageable life which i can compare with to aspire for. i need to believe that i will get peace of mind if i follow what i'm being told. i can see guys at the fellowship who have happiness and self worth evident upon their faces i want that. i can get it.
in other news i noticed my social anxiety went down like 85% since i've joined SA as my therapist said it would it's mamash a neis.
also i went to the english speakers SA conference here in yerushalayim and actually bumpe into Duvid Chaim that was nice i got to see one of the head honchos of our joint.
Hatzlacha

Sometimes as we climb, we need to cross ditches and head down to head up. You are BH seeing growth and plenty of honesty. Just stay connected. Keep attending meetings. Keep posting. Keep being honest. You will iyh experience that happiness and self worth just as you have seen the radical change with the anxiety. Hatzlocha

I find it helpful when i am in a rut to tell my sponsor whats going on and asking for help from him. What does he have to say. I try to remove my ego and say: my best thinking has gotten me into some pretty crappy places so right now i need to listen to my sponsor and whatever he says i will do. That has to be my attitude. I trust my sponsor. He is amazing. He has great experience, strength and hope. Thats why i speak to pick up the phone and call. 

Speaking of which, time to call my sponsor!

Mike 
Where are you?
What is going on? Still in a rut?

i'm still around!
and sort of still in a rut.
in SA full time working on 1st step.
where are you is the real question.