Today after a few months I fell and pagam et haenayim, and watched bad things. Baruch Hashem at the last second I stopped myself from wasting seed, but now I want to chozer beteshuvah for the pgam enayim and be close to Hashem again and I'm not sure how, especially that I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway. Also I feel like I'm constantly being pulled back to look at those things and I haven't felt like this in a long time, and I feel like I need to look at it really bad. Please help.

Welcome back brother

Its tough... I hear!

How did you manage such a good long streak?
Was it the joy leading upto Purim

btw are you still in touch with your Rabbi?
with your gf?

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Markz wrote on 14 Mar 2017 11:19:

I stopped for over 5 months and I think it was just on Ahavat Hashem. I recently decided not to have as much of a relationship with my Rav for other reason. And I broke up with my gf about 6 months ago but the thought of her sometimes gets to me, mostly because I constantly think about maybe I did things wrong and lost my zivug because of it even if I chazar beteshuvah...

Welcome. Back?

Much hatzlocha for the road ahead.

If you broke up for good its highly possible she was not your zivug rishon!

The talmidey chachamim here will say it with its sourced meaning, but the torah says reward and punishment are not in this world. And i would venture to say that you are giving Hashem nachas with your struggle and the stubborn way you are not giving up.

As they say over here KOT

I just fell... Now I'm screwed. I couldn't hold back.

The likelihood of ingesting shmutz and getting past it without MZL is highly unlikely.
If it wouldnt have been today it would have been tomorrow.
All that pent up emotion and frustration cant just stay in.
But now you have a chance to step back..
You're not screwed  - you are ready to get back to the fight!
Have you considered therapy / finding a rav you can relate to?

AmIsrael wrote on 14 Mar 2017 12:27:

Why are you screwed?

'Cause you burst the bubble of "I can make it on my own", or "It was issue X that was making me do it. Thank God I don't have that to worry about anymore. I'll be just fine"

Either way, this could be the start of a journey to greater heights.

GrowStrong wrote on 14 Mar 2017 12:54:

I just talked to a Rav that I really trust, but I was so down that I don't even remember what he told me about Hashem ACTUALLY forgiving me. How could he forgive me after I promised 5 months ago that I wouldn't it again? And I knew I was going against Him this time and I still did it? And then right after I can just say sorry and feel bad and everything is fine? I'm just as close to Him as I was before? Not only that but one side of me feels so bad and wants to cry and the other side of me feels numb to the whole thing!?

AmIsrael wrote on 14 Mar 2017 14:59:

I'm not sure of your entire story, but one question please: why are you focusin' on teshuvah now? Let's be sober today.

cordnoy wrote on 14 Mar 2017 15:06:

I didn't fall back in again although I feel a lust in my heart that i haven't felt I think.. ever. But all I can think about is getting back to Hashem...

Don't worry about making promises.
We have Kol Nidre for sorting out promises we made that we could not keep.
Rather than make a promise, just take it day by day or even hour by hour or even ten minutes by ten minutes.

I really feel for you, looking back and wondering about your possible zivug.
I have been there too.

All I know is that one's zivug (intended soulmate) is not a fixed thing. It is re-calculated depending on one's conduct and on the conduct of the zivug...so it gets reassigned to a new zivug.

ColinColin wrote on 15 Mar 2017 20:17:

So how many versions of the bas kol go out?