I don't know if you guys remember me but I was here a while ago I stared a big topic about becoming a Talmid Chochom even after I slip-I had a hard time thinking that is possible and you guys told me how wrong I was.
I must say since then things went for the worst. I started watching porn every time I come home. I just don't know what to do anymore.... I am considered from the top guys in Yeshiva. I learn about 12 hours a day but I just keep slipping.....
I am at Yeshiva the whole month- so I cant really read the emails etc. I just dont know what to do....
PLEASE HELP!

Welcome.
I'm also the best guy in yeshiva, know some more chevra from here that were the best guys in THEIR yeshivos. No big deal.
The real question for me was WHY I am the best guy in yeshiva. When investigated honestly it was NOT because I wanted to fulfill Hashem's ratzon. If I would've truly been learning all that Torah LISHMUH, no question about it, I would've been the happiest person in the world. I wasn't. I was busy lying and cheating [subconsciously] and indulging in all sorts of selfish behaviors.
As long as I looked for a solution as "The best guy in yeshiva" I couldn't find one. When I admitted I was sick, I am a Lustaholic, and turned to others with the same illness who were cured, and tried to imitate what they did. That's when I got better!
May you find your refuah soon.

Everyone has struggles. This is actually a natural taavoh that hashem has placed in you for good things. Like any thing, if you use it in the wrong way it is like poison which is your concern right now. First thing is to realize that you are not bad. You learn because you know it is the right thing to do. To delve into Hashem's torah and to be immersed in the highest level of ruchnius in this world is very special. Sometimes we just do things without realizing what we are doing and lose our focus. I don't learn all day but I know that those that do are like Shevet Levi (Rambam) and are living on a different level than everyone else. Remember this for starters.
Two: This sounds like an addiction of its sort that you're almost like helpless and drifted immediately into these behaviors as soon as you come home. The only way to really get help quickly is through the 12 step program and its offered here on GYE. There are many ways along with the 12 step program. I am familiar with sponsors and that is a call-to person to call as soon as you are having the taavoh. Tefilloh obviously helps. Many people don't believe in themselves anymore after such behavior but Hashem does. Hashem knows it's hard. It's a nisoyon not failure. It's up to you to make sure it will never be a faliure and Hashem knows you and knows that it so doesn't have to be.
CHAZAK V'EMOTZ

hi lipa !
first of all keep on shtieging in learning and start shtieging in this area too . i too was a top guy in yeshiva and today i am a marbitz torah myself and considered a chushuvah yungerman but we are all still sick in this area. bh if we're learning we have great tools but thats not all we have to be משקיע in this סוגיא just as if we're learning the hardest שמעתתא or ר' ברוך בער if not more so give it all you got and do anything in your ability to get rid of this and of course daven away
kol tuv!

let's open a yeshiva from the group here.
we wont even need to advertise that we only accept the top guys.
the one criteria is that you gotta be a member of gye...then automatically, we will have the top guys.

on a serious note, perhaps it is even the fact that youre such a choshuve guy that allows you to be moreh heter to engage in lust.

that heter worked for me for so many years...although I was/am a yutzel on one of the back benches.

I am, however, the top guy in my sa group.... as a matter of fact, they wouldn't even know the difference between a sfes emes or a brisker rav!

b'hatzlachah!

Welcome!

At least for the main part of the month you are in the best place you can possibly be!

Have you not got any filters on your computer - surely this is a must first step. What about a Rebbi to confide in?

Hatzlocho and keep us posted

Thank You sooo much for the encouraging words! I didn't imagine so many chaverim would offer to help me!!

We remember you well. I PM'd you. Hatzlocha chaver!

I used to learn solid all afternoon seder with hasmodo gedola. About half-way through I would get up, use the bathroom, masturbate, and go back to learning behasmodo gedola.

cordnoy wrote:


My experience is that I'm most likely to fall whenever I feel either very low very holy.

I've read that we all keep a mental tally in the back of our minds of how good we are.
Got up for shacharis, give yourself 3 points.
Learnt an hour, 4 points.
Spoke loshon hora, minus a point.
Punched your chavrusa in the nose, minus 8 points.

When we start heading towards negative points we try and get back by doing some good things. Of course, at that point, good things seem worth so much more. But when we think we're doing very well, we sort-of have permission to be a bit bad. I mean, we can afford to lose a few points and we'll still be ahead of most people, so it's OK, right...?

Welcome back LB!

The tools you have from yeshiva are obviously not helping you. It's pretty common. As is the "I am/was the best guy in yeshiva" line. It sounds like you need some real help. There are lots of resources here. Please reach out to dov. You won't regret it.

Many have been where you are and are living a better life today. You can too.

Let us know how you are doing.

גם אני מצטרף להנ"ל

I was also considered the best in yeshiva (by the rosh yeshiva and others) but it didn't do me diddly squat. I could learn and daven and be a real inspiration to those around me and yet somehow find myself masturbating numerous times a day. We aren't complete fakers, however - just naive, methinks.

A side note: In some ways, the guys who think they are the "best" in yeshiva feel the dissonance of their lives more accurately than others. If we are the "best" then why do we not feel simcha? How could we be so aduk in taavah? Why are we so full of ourselves? It doesn't jive and it moves us, like you are being moved, to seek answers and assitance. People who don't look at themselves as the "best" (lav davka in learning but "best" in anything) might not be as troubled by this issue to go through what it takes. I'm conjecturing based on my own experience so take it for what it is. The answers will come from speaking to people on GYE. I hope Dov can find you some real people in your area, maybe even in your yeshiva.

If its any consolation, things can get much better. Its still hard for me to believe how "free" I feel sometimes. Its a constant struggle to maintain clarity but one day at a time you can also find what works for you. If your experience thus far tells you anything, it should be that you can't handle this on your own. That is what you should keep on doing, over and over and over again.

When we turn to Hashem and ask for help, it has to be "help on His terms". In other words, you must be ready and willing to give up whatever it takes to be helped - not an easy task. But rest assured that the real world is a whole lot better than the imprisonment we feel when we are stifled by lust. Keep posting when you can and hatzlacha muflaga!!!

OMG that was beautiful, chaver. So gentle and so clear. Wow.

I wonder if the good fellow hears what you are saying, really.

Dov wrote:

I don't believe the good fellow understands a word. I was highly active on this site for over two years before i allowed sense to be knocked into me. All the while I was freely dispensing advice, and wonder of wonders, I actually managed to help people, even though I didn't believe in a word of what I was saying.
The reason I couldn't allow anything to penetrate was because I never actually DID anything more than just hang around intellectually. But I wasn't masturbating intellectually [though I was doing a gehelnnom of a lot of acting out up there in the gray matter]. I was masturbating with my body. I was sitting on the internet with my body! My entire body was involved in my acting out!
Obviously the solution couldn't be just in the mind.
I thought it could, Wasn't my mind the strongest in the yeshiva? Certainly it could take care of a little fly that to tzaddikim like me was nidmeh k'har. But I learned the hard way that my mind wouldn't take me out. I needed to take ACTION!
What action?

I wonder if Guard would put posts like yours and Medel Z's into a chizzuk email? That woukd be gutsy indeed. But I have seen no better posts ever.

I would like to update that although I unfortunately am still standing in the same spot, I took your advice to get others on GYE to help me...I already feel like good will IYH come out of this step!