Ok, I have a problem and i'm finally admitting it.

I am a 'good jewish boy' - married, learn every day, am makpid about davening, halachah etc. etc. except I sometimes look at porn on the net. I have prayed to HaShem many many times to help me overcome this - but i still feel totally helpless. YK was just last week and I have fallen many times since then. I can even see how HaShem is pulling out all the stops to help me (tonight, my computer just turned itself off for no reason just as I was opening up a sight!). But still I turn it back on and fall.. I'm so upset and I just don't know what to do any more. I'm so scared that HaShem will punish my family and any children that I may have IYH Chas VeShalom and I desperately want to live a holy life...

I try not to look at women on the street - don't go to beaches/pools etc. but it's hopeless - at home and on my own I just can't be trusted! I have now organised an internet filter on our internet but i feel that i'm not doing teshuva gemurah this way. Also I still think it wont stop me (i'll just log on to neighbors etc.) Please help me..

Dear dmaot,

You're not a failure. You're a holy GuardYourEyes Jew, just like the rest of us here!! Only your life is about to change drastically. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

dmaot wrote on 08 Oct 2009 17:27:


I would just say the gemorrah that probably everyone knows:  If a person has two ways to go, a long way and a short way, but the short way goes along a river where women are not dressed modestly, and a person takes the short way AND DOESN'T LOOK AT ALL, he is still considered a RASHA.

The goal isn't to jump into tests and pass them.  Our goal is to avoid tests.  BUT, if HASHEM deals one out to us, we need to pass it.

Dovid Hamelech lost out on being the "fourth wheel of the chariot," he would have been counted along with the AVOS, except that he asked Hashem to test him.  Since he asked for a test--brought it on himself--he failed.  And, his test was referred to something, "that every school child knows is forbidden."

Getting a filter is the first sane thing you can do.  It's your decision to take the long road.  You finally got off the short road.  THAT'S the first thing you need to do Teshuva Gemora for--for taking the wrong road.  NOT for looking at women along the short road.

Welcome to our community! I'm pretty new here too.



Now, I'm not really one to be giving advice, but I'm pretty clear on this point:
Every posek that writes on Hilchos Teshuva (the Rambam, Rabbeinu Yonah) says that the very first step in ANY teshuva is "azivas hachet" (stopping to sin). It is nearly impossible to throw off a sin and become whole again in one go. What's important in teshuvah, and especially when the teshuvah is for an addictive aveirah such as lust, is to get rid of the addiction and the sin. Because getting rid of this is so hard for you, the very act of stopping will be a teshuva. The part of you that's trying to make you give up since you'll never make "teshuva gemura" is your yetzer hara.


Yes. One who's taken over by his lust isn't stopped by taking the outside factors away. I think of it as locking a nicotine addict out of the grocery store when he's got a pack in his pocket. What has to change is your attitude and your outlook.
Take R' Guards advice and READ THE HANDBOOKS. They are, as far as I can tell with my limited experience, the best way to change your outlook and yourself.

Welcome, Welcome. Realizing it is hopeless is a wonderful thing. This is the first step to recovery. We admit we are POWERLESS. When I started I thought it was hopeless for me also. I was powerless in front of the computer.

Chazal say the Hashem opens the way for someone who wants to sin. Why does he do this? Where is His kindness? The Alter of Slabodka says that this is an act of His kindness. We are not willing to change till we hit rock bottom so Hashem lets us fall and fall and fall till WE CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Then we want to change. Think of the falls since Yom Kippor as Hashems Kindness. They pushed you over the edge and got you to come here.

For the time being please forget about doing complete Teshuva. Such thoughts will only distract you from bringing your behavior under control and changing your life. They most probably don't come from the good part of you. Even R' Chaim Voloshiner ( he was NOT Chasidish) writes that sometimes the Yater Hara causes us to want to do teshuva because that will make us fall again. sound like us addicts. 

Welcome again. We are glad to have you. Keep posting it is a great tool. Learn to really connect with us it will do you tons of good.

Best of luck

Congrats! You've just won 90% of your battle - you've reached out. You're not alone, so many of us - nice Jewish boys - struggle along with you. We're all in varying stages of recovery and many, many of us have fully recovered - people with worse addictions then you, many whom went past porn and had actual relationships.
There are so many tools here - posting, accountability groups, phone groups - all anonymous, all really effective. Try it out. And if one thing doesn't work, try another. We're in this together, and GYE really, really works.

Hatzlacha!

dmaot,

Dmaot are Tears. Tears are answered or saved up for future use. The gates of Tears are never locked up, not before Yom Kippur and not after Yom Kippur.

Welcome to the forum! You’ve taken a great step. The next steps might sometimes be smaller, they might sometimes be bigger, but never get discouraged. Take it one step at a time. And if you take two steps forward and one step backward, that’s progress. Don’t let the Yetzer Harah (Y”H) pull you down. Right now, you might feel that he’s got you from all sides, but he doesn’t. And over time, you’ll be building a stronger protective fence against the Y”H. As someone else pointed out, start reading through the handbooks. Take what speaks to you and use it to be mechazake yourself, one step at a time.

With much admiration.

Nishmas

Chag Sameach Dmaot,

What a perfect name for one who is really sincere about changing. Shaarei dima; the gate of tears is never ever closed to the cries of a Yid. If we on GYE have heard your plea for help and are running to greet and welcome you, how much more so your call must be echoing through shamayim!

Welcome, and may your tears of pain soon become tears of thankfulness and gratitude.

7up

By the way, the name dmaot works fine, but the thread title, "I am such a failure" needs lotsa work...
Optimism is the name of this game sir!

7Up wrote on 08 Oct 2009 21:42:


7up is soo right

Welcome to D'maot and others here, and ditto to 7-Up:
Rav Noach zt"l used to say:
"A guy came to Aish and heard me talk about how you can learn about G-d in a yeshiva. He told me he already knows about G-d so he doesn't need to come here for that. I asked him about it and he told me about a miraculous landing he once had, falling off his bike and down a cliff - and walked away w/o a scratch! He knew there must be a G-d!
I asked him, "if there is a G-d, then why did he let you fall off the bike in the first place?...Do you think maybe He was trying to get your attention? Maybe he wants you to come to a yeshiva to really get to know Him? No?"
I love it (and loved Rav Noach). And Hashem loves you. You may blame this whole problem on yourself. I'd bet you do (as I always did).
But the facts may be that it really is not totally your fault. You may be just a little nuts (like many of us). Or you may be stuck in a pattern now and just can't get out on your own (like many of us).
You can blame yourself for the whole thing and give up, (which apparently hasn't been working very well for any of us till now, or we wouldn't be here) or you can consider that maybe Hashem is trying to get your attention. Maybe He wants us to need Him so much and to use Him so much, that we finally grow up and turn to Him the way He knows we can. That is one of the things you may find help with on this site. Keep reading.
And, A-freilichen yomtov!!

Dov, your post brought me to D'maot! Straight to the heart. Thank you!

Dear Dmaot,

Having reached out for help, you're definitely no failure, because you've begun the journey to success!

Welcome to the GYE community!

Warmest Shalom Aliechem to a tzadik nistar hiding beind the name Dmaot,

Those who plant with dimah/ tears will reap with Joy

All the love in the world to fellow warrior

Noorah

Thank you to everyone for the Chizuk - I can already see that Be'ezrat HaShem - and with all your help - my road to recovery will lead to success.

I'm sorry for posting such a negative title - was feeling like I hit rock bottom at the time. I'm going to start climbing out. Can't wait until I have 3 clean days so that I can post my status on the 90 day chart!