Just a brief intro about me:
I'm 16 years old, and I come from a Modern Orthodox family. I have been struggling with this problem since I was about 13/14 and pretty much it is surely destroying my life.
I have no kavanah when I am davening, I just feel emotionless.
Whenever I meet new people (girls) and form friendships with them, I end up fantasizing at some point which leads me to sin.

I have heard from various Jewish sources that you should try and chat as briefly with females as possible and not be alone with them... I understand that... but how on earth am I meant to meet maybe a possible girlfriend or get married in the future?! If I try not to even look at girls... Also to top this all off I'm socially awkward.
When I was 13, I ended up doing stuff with my "best friend" (SSA). (This was before I knew about any of this shomer habris stuff).
I was introduced to many disgusting stuff then, and I hope that please G-d it hasnt messed me up, and I will one day be able to get out of this mess that I HAVE CAUSED!

My record is literally about 10 days clean since I've been trying to stop, but when I fall... I do the same routine... I say Tikun Haklali, then have a bath and vow to never do it again... but in another few days I would have fallen!

Today I fell again! (I'm home alone and I invited my friend over because I'm trying not to be home alone - but he is upstairs , and I still managed to fall downstairs!)
I feel terrible and guilty, because I know I'm bringing impure negative forces into my life, my family are going through so many things and somehow I feel partly responsible for the destruction going on in my family.)

I have realized some heart breaking things as well.
I managed to get around my K9 filter protection and landed on an inappropriate website, even though I have web chaver installed, I didn't seem to care anymore, I was saying to my self "he doesnt even know me, its only someone from GYE"

also I have so many temptations around me such as my brothers computer which doesnt have any filters or anything
and my mums and my sisters pc
sometimes when I'm home alone the urge is too much
I can't make them install filters because they will wonder why? and NO-ONE knows about my problem!

At the end of the day, im going to keep falling over and over again and ruin my life

I spent many hours looking for explicit material when I should be studying!!I have important college exams in a few weeks!
I'm definitely addicted
I can't focus on anything when I have the urge... its terrible! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

I empathise with you so, so much. I feel what you're feeling, and I can sense exactly the frustration you feel. I'm the same age as you, and I've had problems with shemiras habris since I've been 12. Everything you say- the lack of emotion when davening, the amount of temptations around you- I know exactly what you mean. The frustration, the sense of going no where, the powerlessness- they've been part of my life for the last couple of years. Just DON'T GIVE UP! Remember that whatever you do, Hashem loves you so, so much, and NOTHING YOU DO CAN CHANGE THAT.
I've just started to internalise these messages, and really, they do make a big difference. In reality, you can't do much if you don't bring Hashem into the picture. Daven! It doesn't even have to be in Shacharis, Mincha or Maariv. Just go for a walk in the park, and talk to Hashem. He knows you better than you know yourself. Only He can help you. Give yourself over to him. Say 'Hashem, I cannot do this on my own. I need You.' And He will help. Because He's your loving Father in Heaven. All He's doing is waiting for you to do is ask.
With only ahava,
Zvi

Hi Newbeginning,

This used to be the standard GYE welcome message. I'm not sure if it's still up to date with all the links, but definitely worth a read:

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Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

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Good luck, and welcome to recovery,

Elyah

Wow, just lost a big post to you...(on erev erev peysach!)...G-d's Will.

Dear newbeginning,

I hope you keep opening up here and eventually make real friendships on GYE with safe people who understand and are clean, be"H. You are not alone.

As far as Bris goes, the Bris, is (as we say in bentching and as they said at your bris) "chosam bris" - the Signature. Hashem's honesty - Emess - is His chosam, Chaza"l tell us: "Chosamo shel hKB"H [is] Emmess". Soaking in mikvahs and saying tikkun klalis will not help you get honest, at all. The faking is our biggest problem, the two-faced life....and you have only had 3 years to 'build' one! Many here have been 'working' on a convincing fake face for a decade or more! Hey, we are frum, right? We gotta look ok, no?

So. Get real with real people if you want to get your 'bris' right. Simple advice. Make friends with people here and start to call them daily just to check in, get real, be honest about what u did in the past, feel like doing now, and plan to do today. It will not kill you. The shame is a bogeyman. You will find much more success staying clean that way. And relax, brother. Relax.

As far as Bris and the midah of Yesod you have (unfortunately) been exposed to that is apparently guilting you to death, this might help a bit:

Yesod is collection and connection...not kedusha. Kedusha is the condition for it to work - but Yesod itself is connection. For connection to be actual connection, it needs to be based on truth. That is why chosamo shel hKb"H is Emmes. Knowing who you really are and being honest about it is the only way to make any real connection at all - that is why Hashem 'had' to 'show' Himself to us for us to recieve the Torah! That dorr had to know Him (which is what it means when it says in the Torah 'vayechzu' - "and they saw the G-d of Yisroel." by har sinai. And why Moshe asked by getting the 2nd luchos, "Show me Your ways" and Hashem showed him "His Glory"....to make a deeper connection, there must be more honesty - more realness about each other. Otherwise there is really no connection, at all.

And your Yesod is used whenever making a real connection with anyone! Speech does that best, of course (communication that is honest), hence 'bris halashon is kneged bris hamaor'. But all our self does connection whenever we join with another to accomplish what we can't do alone - in business, marriage, learning Torah, everything! That organ of the body is only labeled 'Yesod' because it is the only part mainly designed for connection. But don't be fooled...yesod is only an outgrowth of honesty and relationships with other people for all sorts of things, not just sex or making babies.

So practice getting real and you will find more success in kedusha than by reading ten tehillim. There is nothing wrong with saying tehillim or using mikvah or whatever. But they may just substitute one ritual cycle of behaviors for another - be careful. Unlike a woman who is a niddah, if a man is tomei from keri (like when a guy masturbates c"v) and cannot get to a mikvah, there are handwashing substitutes for it (see the siddur of R' Yaakov me'Emden) and shower substitutes for it (se the siddur or R Yaakov Kopel)...but there is no substitute or shortcut for real honesty. It changes everything - only if it is real. And we have all been running around for years telling ourselves, "yeah, I know, I know, I know myself..blah, blah" - but we do not know the truth even when we trip over it! We need other people. Oh chavrusah, oh misusah, as the gemorah says. For us it's even more true.

And when you make those friendships, consider dropping the username , as it is not real, either.

With lots of love and respect,

Dov

i spent 3 years bashing myself about it(16 to 19). probably at the beginning i wasnt addicted. bc of the self hate etc it became a vicious cycle.

i joined the 12 steps. i havent perfected the steps but im on the way.
i started to relax about it and not get worked up.
take it easy.your sixteen.Smile!.
Hashem cares about you.he created us with these tendencies and with progressive work together 'we shall overcome'.Hashems holding our hand irrespective of what we have done.even a moment after acting out hes waiting for you.
talk to Him.tell him of your feelings and your desire to stay close to him and the difficulties you are encountering. stay in touch.
all the best!!!