When I get that feeling that I want to fall, I ask myself why. I may then notice that it is because I am stressed or anxious. I pause. Take a deep breath (or a few), listen to a good song... maybe do a few push-ups and get back on with my life. Realizing why I want to fall helps me realize how much it is NOT the solution. I also am doing my best to remember how anxious I used to get after I fell and how much stress this addiction used to bring me. Am I really feeling anxious?? Then falling is precisely what I need to avoid!

16 days and to be honest, I didn't even realize how long its been. I've been taking it just one day at a time and not focusing on how long its been or how long (forever!) I still have to go. What has been really important to me is realizing that loneliness and anxiety have been major triggers and possibly even the major reason why I fall. The past couple weeks have been particularly stressful, which makes me even more shocked that I am still standing clean.

When I get that feeling that I want to fall, I ask myself why. I may then notice that it is because I am stressed or anxious. I pause. Take a deep breath (or a few), listen to a good song... maybe do a few push-ups and get back on with my life. Realizing why I want to fall helps me realize how much it is NOT the solution. I also am doing my best to remember how anxious I used to get after I fell and how much stress this addiction used to bring me. Am I really feeling anxious?? Then falling is precisely what I need to avoid!

Other times I'll ask myself why and realize that its because I feel alone. That's weird for me to say because I always was so proud of my independence and the fact that I never really needed anybody. But this, I think, has been the best part of the past 16 days. I used to feel alone and go seek out my feeling of connection and affirmation from old "friends" of mine on webcam... or just seek the comfort of old "hobbies"... Now, when I feel alone I reach out! I reach out to my girlfriend which means that I am actually starting to build a meaningful relationship with a girl for the first time in a while. I reach out to my friends, which means I am keeping in touch. I reach out to my siblings which means I feel closer to my family. AND I reach out to certain special people on GYE... which means I've made one or two really deep and meaningful friendships with some of the best Jews I've ever met.

Do I still want to fall? YES. Has this "problem" of mine gone away? NO. Have there been many times in the past 16 days when I forgot why I wanted to go clean in the first place? YUP - that happened too! But I don't think it's just about getting rid of that desire to fall. In a sense, that desire is human. Its about realizing that falling isn't the answer - that LIFE is the answer. Its about realizing that we use our addiction to shy away from life and from others only to wonder why we feel so far away from everyone and everything. It isn't about suppressing the desire to fall. Its about realizing that, although we want it, we desire it much less than we want to build friendships, relationships and confront LIFE.

I used to be scared to start on the 90 day chart because I really couldn't imagine my life without the fall. I'm finally starting to realize that I really couldn't imagine living life at all... I couldn't imagine stepping out from behind the screen of my addiction and looking LIFE in the face. Finally, I think I'm starting to imagine...