One more thing:

I would love to be a part of the chatroom on this site. This is one chatroom that Hashem wants me to spend MORE time on!

The problem is that it is not accepting the username and password that I use to access the forum. What do I need to do differently?

dovekbashem wrote on 16 Jul 2012 05:29:


THAT'S focusing on the SOLUTION rather than the problem, which is a very healthy thing to do.

--Elyah

You need to register seperately, it's a different site.

Hatzlacha Raba, KOMT and enjoy LIFE!

Gevura!

dovekbashem wrote on 12 Jul 2012 05:41:


Regarding the first thing in your quote above that I bolded, I must be frank. Whatever the solution for you actually is, if it is relevant whether your "schedule allows for it", then I wonder something.

This problem is no less serious to me than Cancer or a heart condition, R"l. Gevalt - active addiction destroys my entire life, so it takes my life away from me. It ruins my marriage so it takes my wife away from me. It ruins my family so it takes away my children. It ruins my avodas Hashem by focusing me on stupidities like whether or not I am going to get this fantasy today, or not - will masturbate or see that hooker or that porn today, or not - I am lost inside in an 'epic battle' between fantasy good and evil today...this is real life? Gevalt! A Jew is actually made to be concerned about real life issues like: whether to take this job or that job - build on our house or not - learn this or that with my son - what seminary to choose for our daughter - whether or not to do daf yomi or another limud with my tight schedule, etc....boring/exciting/humdrum/huge/regular/extraordinary/joyful/painful...but real life! Yiddishkeit isn't in wrestling matches with the yetzer hora, nor in a life of 'quiet desperation'. It's in learning the Torah and living the mitzvos to the best of my ability. Not to be altogether lost in Sur meiRah! We can live in the solution - or live in the problem. Fighting the problem all the time is just living in the problem - like a pig with lipstick on, it is still a piggie.

Now, if this problem you are talking of here is just another yeitzer hora - just another nisayon for just another aveiro...then we are on completely different wavelengths. And that's 100% OK and I respect that all the way. You are talking about something that has to 'fit into your schedule'.

I assume that anyone who just found out, R"l, that they have breast or colon cancer would make time for going to surgery and chemo to save his life. Even anyone (with a brain) who discovered that he or she was 'just' a diabetic would make the time to see doctors and dieticians to learn how to check and control their blood sugars - not to save their lives, but just to preserve their quality of life.

I am not speaking of guilt here! The "yetzer hora" chevra would love this - I guess some of them would say that any serious sin is actually as bad as these things and should be treated the same. Shouldn't we take ruchiyus seriously?!

But that is not what I am talking about, at all, here. I am not talking about ritual issues, or of tum'ah, or olam haboh, or even of 'misah bidei Shomayim'. For after all, how effective are those things at stopping some of us so far? :-[ I am talking about living this actual, physical life of ours in the toilet bowl of desperate lying, faking, hiding, and perverting. And I will do exactly that - because I am an addict. My story and history finally proved that to me about 15 years ago...after playing with it in worsening degrees of living hell for about 20 years. I finally lost. So I accepted it and got the help I really needed.

Only someone who lost and gives up trying the only things they know, can do that. Get the help they really need. That's hard.

If you are not an addict - in other words, if you can beat this, then GO FOR IT!! Get the chizzuk you need, man! Stop masturbating yourself and stop using porn and fantasy. After all, they are assur! Take time and try hard, search. Try!

But if you really are failing, see you are just getting worse over the next year or two (or the past years) and see that you may be a lust and sex drunk like me and others I know....like any alcoholic man is - then there is a solution. Read AA from the beginning through chapter 6. See if you identify with the drunks exactly, or not. It seems tome that as long as we are still 'fighting the good fight' to do it our way (or what we think is Hashem's way), we are unable to let go and really open up to those we really need to open up to and to join those we really need to join with, to get free of this obsession. So we don't.

How important is this problem to you. Maybe it's bad...but not that bad. "What do you want?", is the only shayloh. It's OK if you do not really want to stop. Many of us do not want to stop and do not stop. But if and when you do, and are ready to stop - but see that you bichlal can't...then help will be here. Find another addict in recovery and ask him what he did to get clean and does to stay clean, and just do it.

im omarti "motoh ragli!" - then Chasd'cho Hashem yis'adeini. If I say, "I have failed! I can't win, Tatty!", then Your love (Chesed) Hashem, will support me and I will not need to fall. That is what all drug addicts alcoholics and sexaholics who are sober do. There are programs and fellowships to help that you can join with, if this is where you discover you are. And if you do the work honestly, then you can get clean.



And regarding the second comment I bolded in your quote, if there were no difference between posting or PM-ing the truth vs speaking on the phone to a real live person...then why the hesitation? Trust me: no matter how much you have posted or PM'd already, if and when you decide to fully open up to someone about this on the phone it will be very, very hard to actually do! Because sitting behind a computer and posting is a bit unreal. So the benefit of opening up that way will be significant - but very limited.

And no matter how much you have opened up to someone on the phone about all the grisly details of your depravity, confusion, and pain - meeting them in person to talk any of it over will be very, very hard to actually do! For sitting behind a phone and just being a voice, is not that real either...so the results of that opening up will be greater - but limited.

It's "Captain Kirk" again....search for my post here on GYE about him if you want more details.

Dov - if I had heard you tell me all that in person, I would've only had one reaction for you: a big hug and a massive thank you. Not because my life will drastically change just from reading your post but because I am always so touched by how much thought and time you put into my concerns and my issues. You are incredibly insightful and I can tell how much you care just by reading your posts. I was thinking of making this thank you more personal and PMing it to you, but I really want everyone to see it. We are all lucky to have you here with us helping us through this avodah.

My evolution on GYE has been a slow one. At first, I was just reading posts on the forum. This didn't help. I started my own thread and posted frequently. No help. I got a filter, started reading chizuk e-mails and put myself on the WOH. This helped more but eventually - fall, fall, fall. I am getting a sense for what I need to work on and how much work I need to do. My filter now is much better than it initially was and I am much more open to doing what needs to be done to fix this disease. I just won't be able to jump into SA meetings and phone conversations that I am not comfortable with until I am convinced that this is what I need for recovery.

Dov, thank you again.

One more thought:

I recently heard someone say, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." I think this couldn't be more true for all of us. Our thoughts are in constant struggle with our actions and our words are completely devoted to masking it and covering it all up.

May we all learn how to be honest and true to ourselves and, as a result, to be capable of honesty and truth with others. May we live our lives in true harmony with ourselves, our families, our friends and Hashem.

Amen!

(and what better way to test the trueness than by actually opening up to them and having no secrets...with seichel, of course!)

Friends,

I am home alone today with lots of free time. It isn't that I think I might fall, but don't want to. I'm ashamed to say - I really do want to fall!

Today is day 7 without m*** and day 8 without p***. I was extremely irritable to my parents yesterday (and also this morning) because I have been wanting to fall and relieve some stress. I exercised for a long time yesterday, but that didn't seem to work. I don't even have THAT much to be stressed out about right now. I just know I would enjoy the fall and I don't get this opportunity too often to be home alone and not even have to lock my door or worry about people coming in to bother me! How can I NOT take advantage of this perfect opportunity??

Please please respond.

yes, nothing seems to work - there is no good reason that will work.that's why you have to stay clean WITHOUT a reason.submit yourself, surrender.it could be to Hashem ,if that works.if that doesn;t work, let it be to r' guard - he wants you to succeed more than anyone else i can think of.stay clean for him - without a reason. or, do it for all of us here on GYE - we are rooting for you. the 1st step says surrender to a higher power THE WAY YOU UNDERSTAND HIM. in my mind, that higher power doen't have to be the Creator - it can be anything that you submit yourself to.it could be a person.this is a little unorthodox (pardon the pun) but if it works, who cares?
jack

dovekbashem wrote on 18 Jul 2012 15:39:


Is that what you call "Breaking Free... For REAL"?

This may be your only opportunity to reconsider. For if you just continue your merry way, you may continue again tomorrow and forever ch"v. But if you grab this moment, because you realize it's all you got, then you can continue to grab each moment thereafter, and finally enjoy some genuine sobriety.

Hatzlacha

MT

[quote=dovekbashem link=topic=2094.msg82633#msg82633 date=1288751817]
Tzadik! You are one hundred percent correct. When I resist the yetzer I feel cleaner, stronger, closer to Hashem and more worthy of learning his Torah. I feel more confident when I sit down to learn, when I speak Torah to others. I feel like I remember his Torah better, like it is more often on my lips and in my mind. I feel immersed in the world of kedusha and ratzon hashem. I feel exposed to the most beautiful gift ever given to man - the ability to truly see Hashem in this world and to understand the ratzon of our creator. I feel elevated. I feel privileged.

Wow... Now I feel stupid for ever letting the yetzer take that all away from me!

Remind me of this post every now and then - because my yetzer harah seems to have control over my memory as well.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you (and I can keep going..)

I'm going to find better things to do with my day. I davened this morning that Hashem should help me not WANT to act out today... and he sent me all of you.

So far so good. Thanks brothers.

Hi Dov,

I haven't had a good fill of dov posts for a while.

Thanks!

as i approach my 4th anniversary with GYE, i look back to that 1st day i was clean in about 38 years, give or take a day or so.i called elya k., as i was about to break every window in my house from anxiety & withdrawal, elya just listened on the other end of the phone line.he listened patiently, he understood what i was going through, and i did it for him.i didi it because he told me to - no other reason.i did it because i knew he was right.i did it because he just was there for me - and i wrote r' guard every day, sometimes a few times a day.i was on a busting bronco - ever see one of them things? although i'm not perfect (yet, that is) if you looked at me then and look at me now, you will see 2 different addicts - one wild with anxiety, and me, now, a lot more free than i was back then.if anyone can take chizuk in these words, my suffering was (and is) not for nothing.
jack

dovekbashem wrote on 18 Jul 2012 16:29:


Perfect! If this is where you're holding, then this is the perfect tefilla.
I would frequently say, "I don't want to lust, I don't want to lust."