Chazak Chazak eslaasos ,our tefilos  are with you , youre a real example for me to reach out in this time  of disconnect ,to connect with others hatzlacha in this difficult time  ,Hashem should remember  your sacrifice ,Yizkor kol mincahsecha-hoping to hear good news-my brother:smiley:

Hello ...i feel like i want to act out again 

my daughter is mad at me 


and my estranged wife is not able to help me 

The feeling passes if you distract it by exercising etc. A call to a chaver here helps alot too. Hatzlocha

Hi laughingman,
I really feel for you. I cannot offer any words of support, However I can daven for you and I will IY"H.
Wishing you much Hatzlucha in all areas of your life. May you be blessed with true serenity and peace.

She's mad because you're destroying a brother or sister of hers, and really even cheapening her sense of worth.  You, me and everyone here, that is, whom relapses, may HaShem help us to stand up to the yetzer hora of lust when he next challenges us and every time thereafter, IY"H.

It's been about 10 days and around this time I start to think "well it's not like I'm never gonna masturbate again so it may as well be now. What's the difference if I hold out another day or two..."  you get the idea.

 anyway I'm trying something novel here and instead of holding these thoughts in and trying to fight by myself I'm sharing with everyone. 

 instead of fighting I'm letting go. I'm going to try to stop thinking about the rest of my life. I'm not even going to think about today. In just going to share that I hate how helpless this makes me feel. And every ounce of me hates being helpless and wants to trade control and fight my impulses. And then when that doesn't work I say, "well I didn't really care that much anyway..." 

 so this was a long rant to keep me from the edge, if anybody reads this thanks for making it to the end

Rant away, it definitely helps to share.
Congrats on your first post btw.
Maybe consider starting a new thread for us to follow along on your journey?
Best of luck to you.

y1tz wrote on 29 Apr 2018 21:39:

Welcome to the club. you are verbalizing a stage many of us have experienced, and from time to time still grapple with. "let me just do it already..."  It was wise to share. It helps. Besides the support you receive (just look at all the thank you's), putting it in writing makes one realize how ridiculous and shortsighted such thoughts are. Hatzlocha buddy. Stay focused, stay connected, and iyh stay clean.

#$%&!!!
s$%&#^%&#!
feel like a total nutcase!
manically depressed, restless, looking for a fix, i hate this craving for sickness and selfdestruction. Im am such a great guy if it werent for these sick mood attacks of inconfidence, anxiety, craving for peace and happiness, outright anger at people for their mere existence, #$#%!, pls i live like a rat with millions crowded round me, get me outta here already, lust is just my distraction, ive had these feelings even while being clean for a year, when it led me trying drugs alcohol and even hostility, wth is going on with me, this is total hypocrisy of who i really wanna be. It even kills me while im trying to do the right thing, i start doubting my sincerity and succes etc. Honestly people think im a great guy, sincere devoted smart etc what bull. Im full of it. Help me attain normality, stability, sincerity, the ability to atleast tolerate others, free from all these dark moods and thoughts causing self doubt, doubt in Hashem, in His plan, my mission and purpose, my ability to carry out His will, to learn with sincerity and passion, to emphatize with others, to exude varmkeit.
fffffff. Man, my genius roommate just walked in, like i said, no space. And now all my feelings are gone, just like that. Im not thankful for it. Cant i express my self unadulterated? Too much too ask? Must i always live bottled up, played with by my human surroundings? Yes, simply being my self, in the purest untouched fashion. Not action, words, nor thoughts, not even feelings, character or mind, just me, I.
well,
till next time that im lonely and desperate

Join the club of many of us that held in our feelings for years and acted out as a pain reliever. Posting and sharing with others is very therapeutic so keep up the posting. Hatzlocha - and remember you are not alone.

Is suicide allowed to be discussed on this site?

Why not? If someone is in so much pain and can share it and get chizuk, go for it.

Disclaimer -  The above resonse is if you or anyone else is in loads of pain but is not really considering suicide. But if it is really on your mind, first reach out to a real person for help.

Obviously you are having it rough. May Hashem help you resolve the issues and give you simcha and menuchas hanefesh.

I'm not planning to do it. It just pops in my head at times when i'm just not interested in dealing with life.

But considering the amount of alcohol i drink, i may be killing myself, indeed

Hey farblunjent!

First of all, as Hhm said if that is a practical question then look for help from someone qualified. I am sure you have many wonderful years ahead and there are people who can help you see that much quicker than us at GYE. If not then please read on 

Its an interesting thread to ask that question on, especially since it wasn't alive in a year.

Anyway, I also have had "thoughts" like that. I would never actually commit suicide C''V, but I think society has conditioned people in a certain sense that it is the way to escape our problems. Really that escape is similar to the escape you mentioned of drinking alcohol and the one that everyone on GYE is dealing with, P@*n (porn). 

I think the best solution is counting your blessings and focusing on what there is worth living for on this earth that Hashem graced us with. Whenever a thought like that pops up, realize that it actually isn't something that is worthwhile and use the thought as an opportunity to refocus on what your goals in life are and who the people are that rely on you in their life. 

May you be blessed with happiness! 

-A Fellow Human