i feel like a piece of dirt. i was clean for over 200 days and then i found some loophole in my filter. i spent a couple nights on youtube and watched some borderline porn. b"h no mzl. i got to action and had nativ fix the problem, but i cant seem to get this stuff out of my head and i find myself trying to get around the filter again.

hashiveinu wrote on 19 Jan 2018 02:06:

I feel like a dirtier piece of dirt cos I only hit 160. Then had to restart last week - check my story. Where's yours? Yeah it's hard getting it outa the head, question is how did your head get to 200

You are a diamond, not a piece of dirt. 200days?! Do you know what that means? Those days are yours forever to celebrate with Hashem. And you stayed away from masturbation? Wow! Get up, clean up. and get going! You will iyh be a hero that will help so many others. One question. Do you have anyone to call and speak to if a nisayon comes up again? If not, maybe this story should be the impetus to get connected. Hatzlocha,

i appreciate all the chizuk. the reason for my focus on the fall more than the over 200 clean is because ive never really been addicted for long periods of time (or maybe im not a real addict at all...). my usual trend has always been about a year to a year and a half clean and then fall and go on about a 2 week binge
(just porn but no mzl. if i feel myself going too far that im at risk of mzl i stop right there for the time being. but i know that no one can trust oneself...). since joining gye i thought i would be able to do better than that. its my first fall since joining. b"h nativ fixed my filter issue but my immediate need right now is to get rid of the urge i have in me to find ways to watch more and fantasize at times.

Maybe its time to connect to some real people. That's what worked for me....

I know the feeling.  I had a 205 day streak as a bachur.  Losing it was painful.  Look forward not back. 

Were you looking for a loophole?  What were the triggers?  What helped you reach 200?  What recovery action have you been putting off that perhaps it is time to do?  Or maybe, you just need to get up dust yourself off, and keep on truckin.

although i do look for loopholes on occasion more as a hobby than a need for shmutz (once i find the loophole then the urge kicks in), this time it chanced upon me and suddenly i realized that i was doing things i shouldnt be. i contacted nativ to fix the issue and they took care of most of it and their technicians are trying to figure out the rest. in the meantime i took care of the rest myself.
i know that i need to work on myself, more than on the filter but i do find that the less access the less urge. the facts are that i only rarely have access. this all goes back to the big question if im addicted or not. it may be a normal yetzer horah that one has when its available in front of him. then the main thing to do is avoid the situation... 

You say "although i do look for loopholes on occasion more as a hobby than a need for shmutz".  Do you think there is no motivation, perhaps subconsciously, to find shmutz?  Would you have the same "hobby" to find other types of loopholes, for instance if gambling sites were blocked? 

Checking my filter, or typing some seemingly innocuous search to see what came up was always a way for me to fall when I wanted to fall, but didn't want to (if you get my drift).  I felt guilty falling straight in, so I would try to make it happen in kind of an innocent way.  (this may have nothing to do with you - just sharing)

As I have mentioned in the past.  One of the thoughts that helps me is "I cannot afford it". It just costs too much.  I can't afford to play with fire, for I will get burned.  I can't afford to test the filter to see if it works.  I think Dov has something about this too.  About testing the filter.  I'm just raising some food for thought.

gibbor120 wrote on 24 Jan 2018 14:37:


I bet "Innocent checking/searching" have killed more cats then any other type of curiosity.

One of the reasons (among countless others) why I love this forum is to read how others have gone through the same or similar trials and tribulations. I see how my difficulties are common among so many o strugglers yet at the same time they are able to be in recovery non the less.

I used to be be biggest filter “tester”, and I’m not sure if it was mostly caused by shmutz or not. For me, it hit an obsessive part of my brain of testing it to see what there was so I can “know” how protected I was.

I relate to Gibor’s thing of not being able to afford it. Here’s what happened to me- I had kept on obsessively testing the filter while I was going through a period of moderate anxiety, and I realized that all this testing was making me wildly anxious- will I see something, will I not, and when will I stop. And it was crazy because if I would see something I would literally be holding my hand over the picture not to see it, but provided that I was able to see enough to know what “type” it was. The whole thing was insane!

And you know why I stopped? Not because of this holy desire to be clean, but because I felt like a lunatic and an insane person and said, “You know, I want to be normal and stop obsessing”.

And I can remember that obsessive feeling well enough that it’s a pretty big impediment to doing it again.

As a result, now I have other reasons that I don’t want to go back there- I feel like a normal Jew and a normal husband, hate wasting the time, but it’s not like I find the idea repulsive in any way.

I find the addiction repulsive, so that’s what’s working for me for now. 

I'm scared of what I might do tonight. The physical pressure has been building for a few weeks. The emotional stress and pain is skyhigh. I feel myself giving up on things that were always so important to me. I don't really expect any big changes will happen just because I will post this here and might get back some encouraging posts, but it's worth a try.

Instead of Chizzuk, why don't you release the tension stress etc. in a healthy way?
For stress, maybe exercise, or sing at the top of you lungs if you enjoy that.
Not sure what type of pain, but maybe get yourself something you enjoy, to ease your pain, (not as a reward for not acting out, but to ease the pain).
Not sure what you mean about physical pressure but sounds like vigorous exercise would do the job.

You can do it, it will be worth it, get into healthy habits of relieving your body of stress and pain and in the long run and short run you will only benefit.

Hatzlacha and hoping to hear good things.

eslaasos wrote on 07 Feb 2018 21:20:

I sent you an email before I saw this post.

In your email you wrote that you have a strong will not to give in to distractions; here you left it out.

I'm available if you want to tall about what youre feeling....
360gye@gmail.com

Thank you everyone for your response. Cords, I wrote (for now) I have a strong will not to give in. It seems to come and go, big surprise.