HELP!!
I just pulled myself back from the edge of the cliff again, for the second time this week.
I think I'll fall if I approach the edge again.
I usually fall on Sundays. However, in honor of R"H, I didn't fall Sunday.
I didn't fall Monday.
I didn't fall Tuesday.
But I've been unable to stop myself from surfing on the internet, not p*rn, but photos of women that stir the coals.
I say to myself, only for today, don't fall. But, as you all know, it's very, very hard.
Not only do I have stress at work.
Not only do I have stress about R"H.
Not only do I work in computers in a boring job with internet one click away.
But, I'm in the middle of the nidda period. One week gone, one week left.
I think the last time I didn't fall during a nidda period was 5 months ago.
I say, this time I'll make it through, for the sake of R"H and the aseret yamei teshuva.
I don't know how many days since I last fell, since I stopped keeping track (it put too much pressure on me), but I estimate 15 days.
I want so badly to last and stay clean at least until Y"K.
Can I do it?
I don't know.
Writing helps, but chizuk will help more.
I have to add, this is so crazy. When I was on the edge of the cliff, literally looking down and about to jump off (figuratively of course), I heard Guard's voice (not his real voice which is a secret, but a G-d like voice, kind of like in the movie the 10 commandments but without the echo, quoting Guard) telling me "Say to yourself that you will not do it no matter what! Your *** won't fall off!" I felt like a lunatic, I was having a conversation back and forth in my mind "Just do it, you'll feel better" "No! I will feel so badly afterward and get depressed. It's almost R"H." and back and forth, until I just said "No" and walked away from the cliff.