Boruch Hashem I made it past the "Should I? Should I not?" stage and stopped in my tracks.

With my B-day coming up real soon and with slichios this motzei Shabbos, I don't know how I'd be able to fall and not be depressed about it. The though of staying home and not going to slichos, because of a feeling of depression and hypocrisy, really shook me. The first night of slichois is always meaningful to me and it would be a shame for me to be sitting at home wallowing in self-pity and guilt... I'd rather be at shul drunk out of my mind. lol!  :D  ;D

I don't know how I'm going to make it through Shabbos. Shabbos is the hardest day for me because my father (who has anger problems and is always stressed) is home. Being around noisy, pessimistic, critical, and stressed people are what set me off the most. Also, I don't yet have a strategy to get me through Shabbosim. Most of the time I'm bored and with nothing to fill my time. I think I'll print out the handbooks and a bunch of supportive posts and read them when I feel weak.

R' Guard, till this past week I haven't been slipping. I don't go out much, so I don't have a shmiras einayim problem on the streets, and I also don't go to any sites that I don't need for my work. No blogs, YouTube, no movies, etc.. I'm very good about keeping to these rules. Without calling my slip a "falls" (because we already determined last time that it is not), what kinds of fences can I make to ensure that I don't slip like that again? You'd call what I did right now a "climb", but I feel like I'm cheating the system. 

I decided not to fight. Just to stand by my choice and hold my ground
. Seems to pass much easier like that.

If anyone reads this before Shabbos, please give me an extra push. I can really use it right now. I'm going to blow the shofar and say some tehillim. I didn't hear shofar all Elul.

2B

I'm reporting to the forum just minutes before Shabbos. The feeling of temptation comes and goes in waves. I need to pull my mind out of slip mode. It's the only way I'll make it through.

I just ran to the bookstore and bought a bunch of books that I hope will hold me over till the end of Shabbos. Oy, wish me luck...

2B

I'm making a kabolah to do everything in my ability to hold out till the end of Shabbos - no matter what. I'm going to say lots of tehillim.

2B

Tomim, you are shaking all the worlds with your Avodah! I was feeling it all Shabbos (right!). Good idea that you got a bunch of books to read. That's a great way to "escape" in a kosher way.

You asked what kind of fences you can make? I'll send you an e-mail...

Tomim,

As Guard said, you are shaking all the worlds...
Wow...

bs"d

Tomim,

i hope you are having a wonderful and sober Shabbes!

You are in my prayers and i hope HaShem gives you strength.

i hope your shabbos was ok, tomim! i was davening for all of us!

Well, I ended up saying lots of tehillim - the whole sefer to be exact. That's because I fell. Oh, the y"h is so sly! I gave an inch, and he took a mile.

And here's what followed: Immediately after the fall I decided that I'd have to exert an extra amount of focus on staying happy. I wasn't about to give in and get depressed. In my case, depression usually follows with a week-long binge. I wanted to get back into recovery and continue the climb right away. A moment's thought on teshuva and a quick diversion was the route I took. I forcibly pushed all thoughts of my fall out of my mind as I sat with a sefer tehillim for the next few hours reciting it with joy. I had a very uplifting Shabbos spent davening and learning, and I didn't even get to the books I purchased. The events that took place this Shabbos will only lead me to a more meaningful slichois.

As far as my B-day: I think the fact that I'll be starting a new page - a new year, this will give me a better chance at success. While I have made this kabbolah on past B-days, it has always been exceedingly difficult for me to overcome. With many days behind me and with GYE now at my side, I'm confident that this upcoming year will look completely different. Months ago I would never have believed that I'd be able to attain the level of self control to hold back for as many days as I did till this point, and that acting out could ever be so infrequent.

Now that I'm looking back at the fall for the first time, I'm thinking of some ideas to ensure that these slips don't happen in the first place. I can usually feel a fall coming a few days ahead of time, when I start slipping. Other than putting up fences, I'm considering possibly counting such slips as "falls". In reality, there is very little that separates it from a fall. In addition, because I'm not addicted to pornography as much as to acting out, I can take a harder stance on this front. Essentially, we all want to turn off our body's sexual response system - and that includes much more than what would normally be considered a fall.

In perspective: Regardless of my fall, I've completed near 50 days in all my time here at GYE. I've had streaks; some longer, some shorter. The point is to keep going, no matter what happens. Sometimes we slip or fall. But our past misdoings can't hold us back. We must move on and keep trying. So what we lost the battle? We've won the war and we'll continue winning other wars! As long as we don't stop trying, one day we will defeat this. And I think that day is near... 

Overall, I'm proud that this fall did not involve any pornography. In the past 50 days I have only looked at pornography 2 times (when I returned home depressed from my vacation several weeks ago), and I haven't gone to Facebook, YouTube, blogs, or watched videos or movies of any kind. Neither have I listened to goyishe music (with, or without kol isha). In addition, when I'm out of the house, I've been much better at minding where I look. I will continue, and I will continue to see progress in this area!

Thank you to everyone who sent me emails and posted in my support. I feel very much at ease knowing that I'm fighting this with all of you. I'm sorry to those who have taken upon themselves commitments if I'd fall.

Gut voch,
2B

bs"d

Thanks for this amazing and inspiring post! There is a lot to learn from you.

chl wrote on 13 Sep 2009 05:39:

Ditto
Noorah

i'm so sorry, tomim!
but, really, all i can say is WOW! you have such a clear hashkafa about this! your perspective and determination to continue are really inspiring! you have a brocha for looking at even the really hard stuff with an ayin tova! the fact that you went and davened is especially admirable!
have a happy week!

Yoi, Rabboisai!!!
I feel like falling -- big time!!!
Got a major lust hit...
Anybody with anything insightful to say, other than the usual, "You can do it!!!1!11!!", or, "Stop, you're better than this!"? These things usually don't help when you're hit by lust of this magnitude.
I'm on day 33.
Please, help me.

Day 33 means rosh hashana is day 40 what a zchus to have on your side

Shmilu,

I suggest reading some of the posts of people who fell, then write a post, based on your past experience, pretending that you already fell and how terrible you feel.

Shmilu,

Where are you? Can you pick yourself up and change your scenery?
What about the old trick, telling your lust that you understand its desire and you're cool with that, just not right now.
You'll get back to it a little later...