Dear Neshama, you've come to the right place!
As much as reading your story was painful, it also made me smile because it is SO typical. Everyone who turns to us for help at first, thinks (and I quote your words below):
- "I feel like I don't have an ounce of self control".
- "There is not even a drop of yiras shamayim in me".
- "tips about what to do once you're lusting hasn't helped, in that minute of crazed desires, I don't want to think about anything, I want to continue".
- "when I fall, I rationalize that if I'm doing it anyway, I may as well enjoy it".
- "I keep having to start over and over"....
And that's exactly why we created the two GuardYourEyes handbooks! They answer every one of your points much better than I would be able to in one short e-mail!
Let me just say a few things quickly, before I give you the links.
1) It has nothing to do with self-control, an addiction is a spiritual disease. You need to learn the tools of how to cure this illness.
2) It also has nothing to do with Yiras Shamayim. Even the biggest Tzadikim could not control themselves when faced head-on with lust (see principle #10 in the Attitude Handbook). The trick to beating this is not to fight the lust head-on. Please read the handbooks to find out HOW.
In the GYE handbook, you'll learn all the tools you can use to break free of this addiction, and all the rest of your points are answered in the Attitude handbook as well...
May Hashem be with you!
I know I'm probably making you crazy and all, but too bad; I must tell you that I downloaded the attitude handbook and was crying all night (Ok fine, it was morning already :)
So many of the thoughts expressed there put me at ease. I realized that I haven't been thinking of myself as a person lately, seriously. I just thought I'm behaving like an animal, and I stopped believing in myself after falling so far. I didn't even think of it as a "challenge", because I believed that I had put myself into this willingly. But now I realize that Hashem gave me these tests, and that it is part of my soul's journey.
Before I started having nisyonos in this area, I was very complacent about my yiddishkeit. Don't get me wrong, I was doing everything right, but in a "detached" sort of way. Then I cried to Hashem that he should help me be able to serve him better, and I remember now that not long after I davened for this (a few years ago as a teenager), my spiritual life became much more elevated. Now I see that this was probably because I was having a lot of spiritual tests then. So... maybe this addiction is actually the answer to my prayers! In other words, davka through this huge spiritual nisayon, Hashem wants me to draw closer to him! Isn't that an amazing thought?
The handbook expresses the idea that Hashem can put us into this challenge just so we can grow and become better Jews. That has really uplifted me, because until now I didn't feel worthy to fight, worthy to become close to Hashem. But the handbook helped me put it in the right perspective; that it's a nisayon just like all others and that I will overcome it, just as I have overcome others. This is not about me, it's about a challenge and mission that I have, in order to serve the almighty even better.
Another thing that really helped me, is this idea in Principle #17, and I quote:
"In general, those who struggle a lot with these issues, have a great deal of emotional and spiritual energy inside them. It is also known, that people with particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths through a stronger than usual sexual drive."
I felt like I can certainly relate to that, and I had thought that my drive was only an animalistic desire until now. It made me feel much better.
Also this really helped:
"Even if we started to slip, we can achieve the greatest levels of Kedusha by stopping ourselves from sliding further."
This idea and the example of Yosef in Principle #22, helped me with what I told you yesterday, that "If I was falling anyway, I might as well enjoy it".
Also, lately I wasn't davening to well, feeling very far away from everything our Father in Heaven wants us to be, but the idea in Principle #26 was a strong wake up call:
"Am I an eved hashem because it's my nature and/or because it keeps me emotionally happy, or do I serve the Almighty because that's His will and nothing else?".
I know He certainly wants me to continue to daven and talk to him, even though it makes me feel bad/embarrassed, because its HIS will.
Additionally, I was trying to accomplish things like; "never again will I succumb to lust"... etc. But I've learned from the handbook now to try it just for the day, or even for the moment. As it says:
Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, "Just for today, I will stay clean".
For the record, I'm up to my third day now. It was a bit hard today and I kept on thinking that "for this moment, I'll manage".
Thank you so much!!!!!