Tonight, less than one hour ago, I fell after 139 days clean. I am very sad but trying not to beat myself up over it. I grew a lot over the last 4 and half months, and one thing that I feel now is that I won't go to bed hating myself, only very sad.
I am proud that I can admit to you all that I fell.
I will look at where I should have been more cautious and make better fences. I cut many corners over the last 4 months.
From now on -
1. Better filters
2. I thought I no longer had to keep other rules I have about where and when to use web. Now I see that I must be more strict with myself.
3. I also did not have any structure today. I have to be aware of how dangerous such situations are.
Tonight I learned where I am holding and I am working to accept it. From now on, I will have be more cautious and think much more like a recovering addict.
I really need to review the handbooks.
The bottom line is, that I am humbled by the force inside of me.
I love you all.
Dear very holy-Yid,
Like you expressed so eloquently, one of the most meaningful things that we can take out of a fall (particularly after a long clean streak) besides for brushing up on our defenses and strengthening our barriers, is simply the humility that we get when we realize that in spite of how well we were doing, we were able to fall - just like that.
This humility renews our connection with Hashem. The more we feel how much we NEED Hashem's constant mercy and help each day, the more connected and dependant we are on Him. And this kesher is so precious to Hashem, that sometimes He brings a Tzadik to fall for that reason alone.
Similarly, we quoted Dov yesterday:
I cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this problem just to get you out of it so you could just move on from here as though nothing happened. He could have protected you from getting into the problem in the first place, no? To quote Rav Noach Weinberg,"He found a way to get your attention", probably because he was missing you a whole lot. This IS your trip, not just an accident He "saved" you from.
And that is perhaps why Hashem sometimes brings us to fall, even when we are doing so well. Hashem gave us this disease because He wanted our attention. And maybe we start to get too complacent and self-confident after a while, and we begin to lose this precious kesher with Hashem... So He starts missing us again and wants to get our attention back - and BAM! - we fall and cry out to Him for help once again. After doing so well, we are shocked back into the reality of how dependant we really are on Him every moment. And this realization causes us to need Him more, which causes us to connect to Him on a deeper level.
And that is HUGE.