In my professional life, I sometimes deal with women. Most of them dress conservatively, so I never thought there was a problem associated with looking at them. How can I function in the business world if I can't even look at a beautiful woman?
Here's a simple question. How would you feel if another man entertained immodest thoughts about your wife? Even if he were your best friend or relative, wouldn't you be offended? Then again, your wife is an attractive woman. Isn't your friend just having a normal human reaction?
The answer is obvious. Marital relationships are exclusively private. The Sages' word for marriage is Kiddushin, which means, "consecrated." Once married by Torah law, husband and wife are dedicated specifically to each other and set apart from everyone else. Their relationship is exclusive on every level. A Jewish wife is forbidden to every other man, except her own husband.
It stands to reason that if a man looks with desire at a married woman, even if she is modestly dressed, he is breaching the privacy of her relationship with her husband.
The same respect must be shown to a modestly dressed woman who is single. Her beauty is reserved for the man she will eventually marry. Looking at her with desire will undoubtedly lead to impure thoughts. This is why the law is so clear: "It is forbidden to derive pleasure from looking at the beauty of a woman, even if she is modestly dressed." (Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer, Chapter 21, Law 1)
If you need to speak to a woman who is modestly dressed, first determine if you are able to speak to her while maintaining proper thoughts. If you decide that you can, remember to utilize everything you have learned up to now. And it's best to keep your time with her short, if possible.
The Talmud tells us that Rabbi Yirmiyah ben Abba once served as a witness for a loan. When the creditor came to collect the money, the rabbi did not recognize the woman who had borrowed it. The other witnesses told Rabbi Yirmiyah that it was the same woman, but she had aged. Was it that hard to recognize her? Abaye explained that it is not the nature of a Torah scholar to take particular note of a woman's face, which is why Rabbi Yirmiyah did not have a strong recollection of the incident. (Bava Batra 168a)
Although we are far from the holy status of Rabbi Yirmiyah ben Abba, we can learn from him. Even in situations that seem benign, we should not be overly attentive to the appearance of the women around us. As we learned on Day 10 in regard to balance in relating to women, this should be done with utmost care not to offend the women. You do not have to be obvious about it, nor look away suddenly or defensively.
With the wisdom of Torah and Mussar, you will find the inner reserves of strength and dignity to speak to modestly dressed women while retaining pure thoughts.
Today: Respect the privacy of others by controlling your desires.
I made an appointment with Mrs. Cohen to finalize the invitations for the shul dinner. The last time I was in her office she was dressed perfectly modestly. Nevertheless, I knew I had to take precautions to control my eyes.
But as I thought about going back again tomorrow, I decided that I should be able to do even better this time. After all, lately I've been sensitized to the laws of Shmirat Einayim and I'm working hard to keep my thoughts under control as well.
I took an honest look at how I would approach our meeting. She always dresses appropriately and there is something in her manner that is poised and dignified. That alone makes it easier for my thoughts concerning her to remain pure. So before going, I will review the laws and consciously have them in mind. I'm pretty sure that I can work with her "person to person," not male to female, keeping my mind focused on the task at hand.
This gives me a great feeling of control. Knowing that I can actually confront my nature and deal with it effectively has given me the confidence to deal with a situation like this. Good planning keeps me relaxed and upbeat. I feel a sense of integrity I never felt before.
It's like Dave said at the outset - little by little, all of this Mussar and Torah study is beginning to seep into my life. It still takes a lot of effort, but I'm beginning to see real progress.
These e-mails are excerpts taken from the book "Windows of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the Salant Foundation.