Dear Friends,
As was discussed many times in the past, often people who are addicted to the most unhealthy and lowest behaviors, actually have very high and special souls.
This generation especially, is one in which the greatest light shines forth from deepest darkness.
One who is caught up in all the filth may not see that special spark of light, but it's there, and it is ready to be accessed and opened up.
This spark of great power, a spark that even many Tzaddikim do not have, is what the Yetzer Harah wants you to forget.
Hashem has a great investment in you, directly linked to the depraved state you find yourself in.
There is one thing you must accept though: It is very unlikely that Artscroll will publish a biography about you (not that you should want such a thing anyway). Because although a Baal Teshuva can be greater than a Tzaddik, the reality is, that most of the frum world is not comfortable with such individuals - nor do they deem them to be great. In their eyes, this person wallowed in mud and got out of it and cleaned up his or her act. "Big Deal", they say, "so you cleaned up your act. That does not mean that you deserve a medal. All you did was screw up your life for 35 years and then unscrewed it for another 35, no great shakes. Don't expect me to give you any credit for cleaning up the vomit on the floor that you, in your pathetic state, spewed there in the first place."
There are many that think this way. This is not conjecture. This is a fact.
"Yes, Tesuvah is nice, but is Plan B. True, they won't throw you in Hell, because you did Teshuva, but don't think you accomplished much in life. So you want a standing ovation for not watching p**n for 40 years of you life after watching it daily for the first 40 years? Dream on, my friend. Just thank the lucky stars that you won't end up in Hell. Because more or less, you are a pathetic non-entity, or in halachic terms, you are a "Bidi'Eved". Your whole life is nothing more than a project that was a huge failure, but with Hashem's mercy, He let you get by."
Of course, none of this is true.
It's a great distortion of Reality.
Hashem may have put many of us at what appears to be a great disadvantage; in a home with parents that had such filth in the house, or in a private office at work with unfiltered - or even filtered internet - that seems to have a mind of its own and projects to you things that pulled you in. Sometimes, you start off the day straight and clean, but things fly up to you from left field.
Or you end up with parents or teachers that seem to create obstacles to your spiritual growth.
We are not talking here about casting needless, false or unproductive blame.
Because ultimately, we need to grow into healthy adults, and we can overcome a lot of the obstacles we face.
It is useless to spend your life placing blame, even if, in some cases - and to a certain point, you may be 100% right.
But often the truth is, that you were put into an unenviable position.
And Hashem knows this.
You were not born to the parents of Rav Moishe Feinstein or the Steipler.
Mazal Tov.
The Tanya in chapter 18 (and chapter 2 alludes to this as well), says the following:
"At times, the sinners of Israel may even bring down (for their children) very lofty souls which have been in the depths of the klipos, as is explained in Sefer Gilgulim)".
I will quote a paragraph from the English "Lessons in Tanya":
"A lofty soul that has fallen captive in the hands of the kelipot, is sometimes released by the Kliipot willingly. Anything in the hold of the kelipot cannot be wrested from them against their will, for the principle that "God does not make unjustifiable demands of His Creations" holds true even with regard to the kelipot. In the case of a child born to sinful parents (here I would add that in some cases it may not be sinful parents. It may be simple decent parents that simply weren't learned or educated in spiritual matters), the kelipot willingly release the soul, in the hopes that such children will be influenced by their parents, and will become sinners like them (or in the case of simple parents, the kelipot assume that the child will just follow the simple way of life of his parents and not transcend beyond that point, i.e. nothing great will come of him anyway). In this way, the kelipot stand to extract an even greater measure of vitality from the holiness of the soul by means of its eventual sins.
HOWEVER, HAVING SUCH A LOFTY SOUL, THE CHILD HAS THE ABILITY TO OVERCOME THE OBSTACLES IMPOSED ON IT BY IT'S PARENTS WICKEDNESS (or transcend the parent's less lofty state of soul), AND MAY RISE TO THE LEVEL OF THE TZADDIK.
In this way, paradoxically, it comes to pass that a tzaddik may be born to wicked parents BECAUSE of their wickedness (or, a Tzaddik may be born to simple parents BECAUSE of their simpleness)."
My friends, despite past failures, even of many years, who told you that you do not have this lofty and special soul?
The fact that you only see ugliness means nothing at all. That is the Yetzer Harah's biggest cover-up. He hides that lofty soul from you.
But you need to start looking.
And you will find this spark.
But even after you do, he will tell you that it is not worth fighting for because all you are doing is unscrewing a screwup, you're just a low janitor that cleans vomit off the floors and walls. And at the end of it all, you may have a clean house but a very empty one. Look at that Tzaddik there who was learning Torah and doing mitzvos for 90 years. Now THAT'S A HOUSE!! You? You have nothing at all.
Drown out that voice because it is false. Hashem knows that many of us were put into environments and situations that are not attuned to Kedushah and we have to fight 10 times harder than that other Yid who has Shas in his head, the one who knew all those Rav Akiva Eigers when he was still in pampers, the one who quotes the Shav Shematza in a muffled voice because he is still sucking on the pacifier, the one who finished all of the Mishnayos on his 8th birthday, and the one who, for 50 years, does not know what his wife looks like, who finds relations distasteful, even with his good and beautiful wife, because he gets a greater joy from figuring out pshat in the Rashba, the ones who never - or rarely had - those dark nisyonos that we do.
Hashem tells you:
"You are wondering to yourself why is so hard to stay a good and clean Jew even for a day, even for an hour?
Stop wondering, and stop trying to second guess Me.
Because that is why I created you, and that is what gives Me the most nachas, that actually causes the Heavens to shine and all the malachim to sing.
And that is why you are the ones that will bring the Third Beis Hamikdosh down from the Heavens onto the Har Habayis.
Because I wanted that all along: That nail-biting, gut-wrenching, blood-stained "10 or 100 times harder" fight that you fight for Me, every hour of the day.
That is why I love you so much."