Dear Friends,
As was discussed many times in the past, often people who are addicted to the most unhealthy and lowest behaviors, actually have very high and special souls.
This generation especially, is one in which the greatest light shines forth from deepest darkness.
One who is caught up in all the filth may not see that special spark of light, but it's there, and it is ready to be accessed and opened up.
This spark of great power, a spark that even many Tzaddikim do not have, is what the Yetzer Harah wants you to forget.
Hashem has a great investment in you, directly linked to the depraved state you find yourself in.
There is one thing you must accept though: It is very unlikely that Artscroll will publish a biography about you (not that you should want such a thing anyway). Because although a Baal Teshuva can be greater than a Tzaddik, the reality is, that most of the frum world is not comfortable with such individuals - nor do they deem them to be great. In their eyes, this person wallowed in mud and got out of it and cleaned up his or her act. "Big Deal", they say, "so you cleaned up your act. That does not mean that you deserve a medal. All you did was screw up your life for 35 years and then unscrewed it for another 35, no great shakes. Don't expect me to give you any credit for cleaning up the vomit on the floor that you, in your pathetic state, spewed there in the first place."
There are many that think this way. This is not conjecture. This is a fact.
"Yes, Tesuvah is nice, but is Plan B. True, they won't throw you in Hell, because you did Teshuva, but don't think you accomplished much in life. So you want a standing ovation for not watching p**n for 40 years of you life after watching it daily for the first 40 years? Dream on, my friend. Just thank the lucky stars that you won't end up in Hell. Because more or less, you are a pathetic non-entity, or in halachic terms, you are a "Bidi'Eved". Your whole life is nothing more than a project that was a huge failure, but with Hashem's mercy, He let you get by."
Of course, none of this is true.
It's a great distortion of Reality.
Hashem may have put many of us at what appears to be a great disadvantage; in a home with parents that had such filth in the house, or in a private office at work with unfiltered - or even filtered internet - that seems to have a mind of its own and projects to you things that pulled you in. Sometimes, you start off the day straight and clean, but things fly up to you from left field.
Or you end up with parents or teachers that seem to create obstacles to your spiritual growth.
We are not talking here about casting needless, false or unproductive blame.
Because ultimately, we need to grow into healthy adults, and we can overcome a lot of the obstacles we face.
It is useless to spend your life placing blame, even if, in some cases - and to a certain point, you may be 100% right.
But often the truth is, that you were put into an unenviable position.
And Hashem knows this.
You were not born to the parents of Rav Moishe Feinstein or the Steipler.
Mazal Tov.