The question is always the same: Who's in charge, Man or G-d?
Since coming here, I've learnt something that my Rebbes might have tried to teach me, but apparently I wasn't successful in putting into practice - that an eved Hashem is one who submits himself and all that he possesses to G-d - including his struggles. I learned that instead of struggling to fight the 'Hirhurim' and what have you, instead of talking to the Yetzer Hara and telling him "Buzz off!" in seventeen different inflections... all I had to do to merit a bit of divine assistance is switch the broken record and say "RBSO I can't deal with this, it's too much for me and I can't control it... here, please take care of it because only You can"!
And He says, "Yingele, I've been waiting to here you say that for twenty five years. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that roller-coaster riding, but I think that you'll admit that if that's what it took to get you to realize that I'm the Boss... it was well worth it! It was your bechirah to be stubborn as a mule - I am Omnipotent, but I can't let Myself deny you your right to free choice, for your own good. And if you stick with Me, those nightmarish days and nights are over."
Another thing, all of a sudden -in every Sefer Chassidus I open - I now understand what they're saying when they talk about how the sin of Ga'avah leads to the depths of depravity. I have a new understanding of the Ma'mar Chazal 'Ayn Ani VaHoo Yecholim LaDoor BeKfifah Achas' - and of course, Middah Tovah Merubah!