This Shabbos - for the first time in a long time, I felt like a Yossel among Yosselach, instead of feeling like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I must emphasize that this negative feeling would accompany me in the best of times as in the worst of times. My actual behavior was irrelevant. I could have not acted out in a month, two, or even a year... it made no difference. Even if I had gone a year free of porn, I still felt filthy on the inside. Because my triggers were all over the place. And I didn't know how to handle them.
Didn't know how to handle them? "What are you talking about? That's a no-brainer -Just don't look!" said the average Yossel inside my head. "Fantasies? Start thinking about something else"! And all along I thought that was the Yetzer Tov's voice. So I tried, and sometimes I succeeded, and sometimes I fell.
And then I came here, and I realized that that 'average Yossel' inside my head wasn't the Yetzer Tov at all. It was just the Yetzer Hara in camouflage, trying to distract me from the real problem and the real solution. Thus - for me - milchemes hayetzer was not the address. I wasn't fighting against the right enemy, and I wasn't using the right tactics. But once I got ahold of the GYE attitude and started trying to live according to it, the name of the game has changed.
Whereas before GYE, when my head was bombarded by hirhurim, I would start using all the eitzos in the book to keep them out of my mind, and even if I was successful - I was worn out and bitter at the end of the day. Even if when walking in the street I succeeded in guarding my eyes - I felt dirty all over, and mad as H***, resentful of the inconsiderate world around me. I was busy fighting with MYSELF!
When I would turn to Hashem and ask him for 'help', I was asking Him on my own selfish terms. Now I know how ridiculous I sounded then. I must have sounded something like this:
"Ribbono Shel Olam, you know this whole business is just not fair! You know how much I've cleaned up my act! Don't I deserve to be just like everyone else around me? It doesn't suit a yungerman like me to be caught up in such an intense battle".
I thought that I was in control, and I asked Hashem for help on my terms. And now I know that the minute that that's your approach, Hashem tells you: "Gezunterheit Sheifele, here's some spending money; have a nice trip and don't forget to call when you feel that you need Me!". And off I went on my roller-coaster ride... way off. Sounds like fun, no?
But today I realize that this is the struggle that has characterized history since the Etz HaDaas, through the Dor HaHaflagah, and especially Pharaoh, who I think is the role model for all addicts. Moshe warns him every time, his threats are never empty, and Pharaoh is willing to suffer whatever it takes; as long as he can keep screaming: "The Nile is mine and I am its creator". Pharaoh deified himself and claimed to be the almighty creator of the world and the owner of all it contains. Pharaoh was willing to suffer and let his nation suffer and die out, to lose his property, to be deprived of food and drink, to be annihilated - ANYTHING as long as he didn't have to admit that he is powerless, and that Hashem rules!!!
If that's not the portrait of an addict, what is?