I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.
So there you have it. I was looking for help, found the GYE website, signed up, put on the k-9 filter and have been "clean" ever since (38 days today). Not saying I don't have the desire, but I haven't gone back there again.
I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.
My sense of appreciation to the GYE staff and those that have supported me cannot be expressed enough. Over the last couple of days I have been reading the stories section of both men and their wives. The story of the man that got busted talking to minors blew me away. Who knows where my own internet problem could have taken me? I never got involved outside of the web and certainly not with minors, but I never imagined I would do some of the stuff online that I did. (I write this with tears in my eyes). I have been tearing up a lot today thinking about this issue.
You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (no one thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!! And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!
For those like myself who continue to struggle. Here are the three things I can point to that have kept me strong:
1. Thinking about the above i.e. all that I can lose - marriage, parnasah, my children, oy vey - is it worth it?!!!
2. Thinking about how I feel afterwards.
3. The filters I have installed (even though I know how to get around them - they are still an additional step).
4. Having my name on the chart and knowing that I would have to start on day one again. I encourage everyone to sign up for the chart, it is really helpful. It has stopped me multiple times; I didn't want to have to publicly admit failure and to start over myself.
Thanks again everyone, I am truly crying tears of joy and appreciation today. I feel great and overwhelmed with joy.
THANK YOU!