Rav Dessler writes in his Michtav Eliyahu that when people create goals for themselves, it is of utmost importance that they create two opposite goals. One goal is for aiming to reach further top. The other goal is for a RED LINE, not to reach below it. In other words, one needs a "range"; not to fall below a certain rung and to try reaching a certain height. This will ensure, Rav Dessler explains, that just because a person didn't reach the height he set out for, it is a lot less likely that he will give up. Why? Because he DID accomplish another goal of his, namely by not falling beyond the lower goal of a red line!
Good evening chevra,
Today was an interesting day. I had a meeting with my sex-addiction therapist, which I discuss on a separate thread (see this eye-opening thread over here).
I don't know for sure why I'm sharing this, but I just want to say that yesterday I almost fell worse than anyone here even knows, except for Mom (7Up).
I just want to thank you guys for saving me from doing something very stupid.
Anyway, my meeting was a real eye-opener and I came out feeling excited about this new approach in dealing with my addiction. I would even go so far as to say that I was feeling better than I have been in quite a while.
And I was feeling even better when I passed a few girls and I noticed something quite interesting. The "aura" that I usually sense by girls - that bright gleam, was not there! And these were decent looking girls, but I was not interested in the slightest. I guess it's maybe because I was in such a positive mood.
But on the bus on the way to my friend's town (where I'm staying the night), I was listening to my MP3 when I felt someone bump against my arm. I looked up and there was this really good looking girl smiling at me.
"Sorry", she was still smiling.
"Mmhm", I mumbled back incoherently, trying to go back to looking at the window.
("Not now, please G-d!")
"So where are you headed?", she asked me (in Hebrew).
Ever notice how stupid you sound sometimes when you mumble?
"Komnnkdf"
"What??"
I cleared my throat and told her which Yishuv I was headed to.
"Hey, me too!"
Another smile.
I could swear that she also winked at me.
"Very nice", I answered.
I finally pulled myself together and put my music back on and stared out the window until I sensed that she had walked away.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
I could imagine what she was probably telling her friend at the moment:
"I think that guy is retarded".
Well, as they say, "Better to be considered a fool in this world your whole life then for one moment in the World to Come."
I guess I'm a natural.
-Uri
Hey, it wasn't too hard (sheepishly and modestly)
I mean, I have a red-line now, no?
I also want to apologize if this girl is someone who uses the forum :-)
I might've been a bit rude.
Sorry.
-Uri
Mazal Tov Uri, on your victory!!
When you mentioned that you passed those good looking girls and weren't interested in the slightest, that sounds to me like you have just felt the essence of recovery. (And thank you for crystallizing it - it really helped me). Recovery for me, means living in a way that I don't need the lust. This way of life is what I fight to maintain every day. I do not - and cannot - fight the lust itself. Anyway, feeling the recovery is really sweet, no? That is worth fighting for!
I would like to bring another post of "Hoping", where he writes more along the lines of this profound idea:
I can not live my life on autopilot anymore. I KNOW where that takes me. I spent many years living in autopilot mode; even growing in learning (Torah) and other areas, all while running on auto. For me, recovery is a change to manual shift. I have to proactively live in recovery so that I don't need the lust. That includes living with Hashem and focusing on fulfilling the needs of others rather than my own needs. I hope that I will succeed today in living as I need to. I fear falling backwards if I do not continue to move forwards.