"I'm scared to join the 12-Step phone groups. Is it possible to do the 12 steps by email?"
Your sincere questions are very meaningful to me, personally. I also tried for years to hide as much as possible of my identity from my wife, from advisers on the phone who I contacted early on about my problem, and from the community at large whom I wanted to know nothing at all about mt problem...all to no avail. For years, I believed that no real sacrifice was needed by me in order to actually start to stop: I would surely stop tomorrow, and do whatever I had to do...as long as I'd be able to keep my comfort level and remain 'respectable'.
Eventually, the pain of my own acting out grew and the risks I took were more frequent and stupider, and I eventually had no choice. at all. I simply knew without any question: I had to do whatever it took to get better. This could not continue even one day - not even the rest of "today". I could not wait until I could start a clean day "tomorrow"...and i already tried (over and over) to stay clean on my own (as you are trying), but obviously was not - and had to painfully admit that I could not - succeed at that, in the end.
Yes, for a normal person thee is a way out: stay clean by fighting the good fight one day at a time. But if you are an addict like me, that does not work. Only giving up one day at a time, by admitting my inability to win, my inability to control and enjoy the luxury of lust, really works for me. And if I think I am being honest with myself - as long as i can stay respectable and not really admit the truth abiut me to other real live addicts like me...then I learned I was sadly mistaken. Bringing other people into the truth about me was the only way I could ever have been truly honest with myself. I was living so dishonestly for so long that I really forgot how to be honest with myself. I needed to learn how to be honest with others - before I could actually start really being honest with myself. And praying to Hashem? Honesty to Him? That came last...not first. Only after learning how to really be honest about myself with other real live people - then to myself - then and only then could I really start being truly honest with Hashem.
I suggest that if you are an addict and you think you are really being honest with yourself - and that honesty with others is on hold because you just have a practical concern about it...you may be mistaken.
This is not a criticism, just a suggestion of a possibility to consider. People in recovery will not hurt you. The trick is to find the sincere groups of people really in recovery. The more they are willing to open up and get real about, the greater the safety there. The more hidden they are - like with usernames or hiding behind a phone - the less safe they really are. True, "what can they do to you behind a telephone or a virtual username?" But the sacrifice there is the level of honesty. The question is which you want - quality and depth of the honesty, or just quantity even if is is noncommittal. Honesty is not bought cheaply.
Much love (whatever your name really is),
Dov