Uri is a 21 year old with SA (sexual addiction). He suffers from depression and comes from an insecure home. He's been "rocking" our forum for the past half a year with his emotional and inspiring posts, but he took a break from the forum for a few weeks when his sex-addiction therapist suggested that he connect more with real life as opposed to the "virtual life" on the computer. But now he's back in full swing - and in honor of his return I'd like to bring today a bunch of great posts from Uri from the past few days. Uri's posts are especially precious because in them, Uri shares with us the wisdom that he is internalizing from his sex-addiction therapist.
Sorry I haven't posted here in a while.
I was at Rav Shlachter and today we discussed "feelings".
First, let's review the three basics of life:
- Fear
- Control
- Trust
According to his opinion (and I challenged it no end till I saw its truth), life basically revolves around these three things.
We have fear (insecurities and such) and we need a feeling of security - a feeling of being emotionally alive; existential security. That is most fundamental thing of all.
We often run to "controls", which are illusionary forms of escape.
This could be: sex, shutting down, food, alcohol, sleep, depression, etc...
The secret is, that if we would just not run to those controls and instead just be aware of our fears, then naturally we would come to a feeling of trust. We'd find trust naturally. By just being honest with ourselves and with how we feel, and by doing the right thing by being real, this alone would give us the courage to face our fears.
The more we turn to these "controls", the less we trust and know how to trust.
And along those lines, we discussed emotions and talked about being honest with ourselves about how we feel.
"I am feeling a strong sense of insecurity."
"I feel helpless."
"I feel afraid."
"I feel angry."
Get this...
The more we run from a fear, the more it controls us. Because now we've "sealed" our fate. We can't face this fear. We will always be on the defense from it, and we will always be worried that it will creep up on us.
By escaping to p**n, we are handing control over to the p**n.
Let it go.
Rav Shlachter has full faith that anyone who undertakes to be real with themselves about their emotions and accept them, will advance greatly in healing from their addiction.
I now have a job working in a sefarim store. Geshmak!
I'm with seforim and people all day...
And they love me because I know the seforim and pick things up quickly.
In general, my life's been on the up.
I'm becoming much happier with myself and therefore less depressed.
Life can be a bit scary sometimes, but aren't all adventures?
As I feel more internal strength and build up security, I feel the courage to start facing more issues of mine and dealing with them much more productively than ever before. It is definitely a process, which requires time & patience... (my patience still needs a lot of work, but that too takes patience ;-)
In yeshiva the answer to everything was always: "Learn and Daven, that will take away your problems". Well, it didn't. Now learning and davening has become the most unpleasant chore. Does that mean there is no hope?
Welcome to the chevra.
There are many different approaches here.
Some are more focused on staying sober.
Some on connecting more to life.
Some on connecting more to Hashem.
The ideal should be to attain all 3.
Find whatever tools work for you and use them.
I can share my story a bit here, cuz I think we are similar in where we are coming from.
I went to one of the most prestigious yeshivos in Eretz Yisrael.
I was one of the top bochurim in my year, and was admired by rebbeim and friends alike.
But I could not stop masturbating and falling here and there, going to places I shouldn't and sleeping around.
Every time I fell, I just reinforced my determination to stay clean and grow and focus more on learning and davening. I was sure that if I just became a "complete real masmid" then I would be happy with myself and not be depressed anymore and not have to go sin.
So I shteiged away for months.
And I became steadily more and more depressed till once again, I hit rock bottom.
I was so depressed that I almost killed myself.
And I went out and sinned.
And that's where I stayed.
I left my yeshiva.
I was nobody now. I couldn't learn nothing.
I knew finally that the answer was not in learning and davening.
I was messed up. And I needed help.
After months of intensive therapy, my addiction was revealed (yes it took that long).
I was desperate for love and security, and I had always thought that I could "find it" in sex.
Today I work in a sefarim store and learn when I can.
I am going to college, and my emuna and bitachon are getting stronger all the time.
I am still in therapy and have changed in ways I never would've dreamed imaginable.
And I'm a bunch of months without sex, and pretty much over it.
And I'm much happier and in touch with life and with people than I can ever remember.
We addicts usually have a messed up view of life, and usually had a messed up childhood too.
Those problems need to be addressed.
Until then, you can learn as much as Rav Elyashiv, but that won't change anything.
Stick with us.
We've been there, and countless people have healed through this forum - which has some of the bravest warriors this world has ever seen.
Kol tuv
-Uri
Instead of fighting the lust and urge to "act-out" on a daily basis, we need to deal with the core issue.
What is the core issue?
That we have no feeling of emotional existential security.
Meaning: I don't feel happy with myself. I don't feel alive. I don't feel secure.
Acting-out brings an illusion of security.
It's a security from those feelings of insecurity and fear.
It's an understandable attempt (though futile of course) at controlling that fear, if only for a few moments.
"Here is a place where I am safe".
It's very secure feeling insecure.
We want to control this feeling of fear.
We want to control events around us.
Hiding and escaping is a form of control.
But is there another option?
I sure hope so, cuz that first option sucks.
We need to build a feeling of security and comfort with ourselves and our lives.
We need to confront and experience the fear.
We can say, "I am afraid. I feel insecure."
Acknowledge our helplessness.
Accept our helplessness.
That's step one.
And if we just hold off on the need to be in control, then naturally "trust" will cure the fear. This is a fact.
We just have to be aware of our fears and insecurities and be honest with ourselves. And just the fact that we no longer run to try and control it will give us faith that we can make it.
"Hashem, I am afraid, I am weak. Take care of me cuz I can't take care of myself."
Hashem desires the heart, my friend, and it is clear how badly you want to be good. Unfortunately, we are addicted to lust, and this is not something we can change without a serious change in us.
A red line would be useful though.
A few months ago, I decided that my red line would be no sex.
(See Chizuk e-mail #579 on this page for "Uri's Red-Line")
Masturbation was a story of its own, but live relationships a "no go".
And you know what?
It wasn't such a hard decision to make.
Why?
I've been in several relationships in my young life, and they have all caused me serious pain.
There's always an intense amount of insecurity on both sides (no matter how hidden), and the emotional damage that these relationships do is far more than the trouble's worth.
So I beg of you.
Stop playing with fire.
Especially when you won't even enjoy the fire.
His question is often asked:
- Why are some people poor and some rich?
- Why do some suffer while some have seemingly easier lives?
- Why do some of us struggle with SA, while other people can get by without it?
- Why are many of us depressed with so many insecurities, while others not?
- Why do so many of us come from insecure homes while others come from unconditionally loving families?
The answer:
Hashem created the world in an imperfect state.
This is our job: To perfect the world.
Hashem therefore sent certain neshamos down with certain missions to perfect parts of the creation.
It is known that there is a individual mission, and a global mission.
My neshama has certain imperfections which I have to work on.
And then there is the world's imperfections - which certain types of people have the koach to change.
Some people are rich so that they can work on "giving". Because the world needs a certain amount of giving to be fixed. And the world needs a certain amount of "mesiras nefesh" to be fixed. The more difficult the nisayon, the greater effect it has on the world at large. Those that are poor were hand-picked by Hashem for this mission, because they have the ability to withstand this nisayon.
Chevra, we all know one serious defect this world has - and has always had: Lust.
It's maybe the biggest one out there.
And Hashem hand-picked some of his greatest neshamos and sent us on this mission.
So we unknowingly come down to this world, and our house sucks, and our life is difficult, and the lust rages and burns within us.
And when we overcome it, hen we fix it....
chevra, we are fixing the world.
Gevaldig!