With Hashem's help, I do know what to say. I hope...
Chazal tell us that "derech eretz kodmo laTorah". Though this statement means many things at a historical perspective (referring to the years before matan Torah) as well as at a personal level (middos of a person), as is explained in s'forim, it has special meaning for me, an addict.
On a simple and personal level, it draws a true and useful separation between serving Hashem by knowing His Will (Torah), and being a healthy human being - also presumably His Will. "Choviv odom sh'nivre'u b'Tzelem" is for the human being as he was intended to be, not just for the Jew. That is called "M'daber". A Jew is a highermadreigo than M'daber and is who the Tanna is talking about in the next piece when he tells us "chavivin Yisrael sh'nikre'u bonim laMokom!"
Let me back up a bit. Many have been shocked about and damaged by the horrible behavior of some frum yidden. If Torah is matzil umeigin and machzir lemutav, then why doesn't their learning/teaching Torah and davening to Hashem keep them kosher? The answer of "well, there are always bad apples" was always fine for me - until I saw my own horrible behavior in addiction. Soon that answer just didn't 'cut it' any more... I was vexed: "why isn't it working?"
The s'forim (Nefesh Hachayim and others) tell us that before learning Torah we need to remember yir'as Shomayim, Ahavas Yisroel, the mitzvoh of Talmud Torah, and that we intend to bring what we learn into action, and to do t'shuva for our aveiros as best we can.
Many have answered the embarrassing and upsetting problem by figuring that in one way or another, those people just didn't have these hakdomos to their learning. In other words, that they did not have Fear of Heaven and love for their fellow Jew, did not intend to actually do what they were learning, and carried their aveiros with them into the beis hamidrash. Nu. Sounds possible... but it is a tall order, no? How many people do all that before learning? So why aren't we all so screwed up? ...maybe we are? But I digress.
It seems to me that the issue of "what's missing?" is much more basic and is underscored most clearly by the frum addict!
It seems to me that the hakdomos to learning Torah for any yid have a common denominator: reality check. Hashem is the Master, so we ought to (OK, "must") do His Will. We (all) have strayed from His Will and we need to admit that fact to ourselves.
Who are we individuals? We are each another piece of this corporation called K'nesses Yisroel, whether we like it or not (see ch. 32 of Tanya if you are so inclined), so all we do is in that context. Fear of Heaven should be a milsa zutresa: for crying out loud, HE'S RIGHT HERE!! One would think it is just natural for a yid to be aware of that, and more acutely so when preparing to face His Will (learning Torah).
How can we not at least try to do a little t'shuvah and then say "we want to keep this stuff, so here we go!" before learning?
OK so far?
What does it say about us that/if we don't?
Something is missing in our accurate perception of reality.
It's a bit like psychosis on a very small scale. For Jews, this is a lack in our basic soundness of mind. In other words: Our sanity.
For whatever it's worth, I think that on a personal level, Derech Eretz is basically sanity, or "soundness of mind". What the RMB"M might refer to as basic "cholo'ei hanefesh", and deals with in his Shmoneh P'rakim.
An addict is basically nuts. How can we risk so much, ignore so much, live so duplicitously, cause so much pain - and tolerate so much pain - for so long? And we act as though everything is just "peachy" in shul, at home, in the b's-medrish, etc. our priorities and thinking obviously need some major adjustments, to say the least.
We need some manner of recovery.
And the second step aptly reads: "... to restore us to Sanity." For that, in my opinion, is our real problem.
Our problem is not in our "Torah" per-se, but rather in how we approach our "Torah". Our problem is the Derech Eretz - the sanity - that sets the table for Torah to actually work in us.
So consider quitting banging your head against the Torah and look into yourself for the answer, instead. The most basic problem with myself and the addicts who I know best isn't a specifically Jewish nor a Torah problem, at all. We are a bit cracked. And the Torah doesn't even begin, for a shoteh.
We need His help, and we need it now.
I hope this made sense to someone...