When my wife and I started communicating more directly and clearly about this stuff, things really started getting better. Pressures and resentments were reduced significantly, and we were - and are - both happier, b"H. It took a few bouts of this "pain, then calm, then more pain and finally communication" thing, till things really got much, much better.
However, without at least some sobriety and sanity, it is really difficult for any relatively sane wife to communicate at all with a whacked-out, entitlement-ridden and self-pitying husband, especially if he doesn't even know if he can trust himself yet, at all!
She's gotta know that you are really there for her. Taking actions of love over a year or two may be needed in order to make any progress here, first.
"A YEAR OR TWO??!!" ... yeah, I know, it's a long time, but things start to get better quickly, and guess what? IT'S WORTH IT!!
So, first things first, I say.... Lot's of sechel, patience and especially love is needed, no matter how you slice it.
May Hashem who brought us this far, show us all Rachamim and chasadim megulim today, so that we can be more useful to others. Of all who know our difficulties, it's You who know them from the inside, and really care all the way, after all. Help us all know how much You care about us - and for us - this very day. Help us stay sober today so that others who struggle with sobriety and sanity may know that they have a chance, too. It's so nice to know that we share the same Best Eternal Friend of all, and can really depend on You. We are proud members of Your club, Hashem! Even though we are not patient with You, thanks for everything - especially for your patience with us. Amein.