Almost a year into the Rosh Yeshiva's own recovery, he finds himself once again on the verge of a big fall. Lust has overtaken him suddenly, and he feels powerless against it. And just as he begins the process of falling to the depths once again, his cell phone rings...
At first, I chose to ignore it. In such situations I have no strength for anything, I don't want to speak to anyone; I cut myself off from the world. But for some totally unexplained reason, I picked up the phone and glanced at the number to see who dared disturb me in this critical moment. It took me a few seconds to register that it was actually him.
"Ribonno Shel Olam, why is this happening to me? From all people in the world - it has to be Yerachmiel? What does he want from me? He never calls me on his own, even though I did tell him again and again that he can call me any time he wants. But now?!" For a moment I thought that I wouldn't answer it and would get back to him later - after I finished taking care of myself, but something inside me decided otherwise. I pressed "Receive".
"Yes?" I said - without making it obvious that I knew who was calling.
"I'm so sorry to bother the Rosh Yeshiva", Yerachmiel began. Tears choked up his voice. "I simply don't have where to turn. I feel so powerless. Lust attacked me out of nowhere, without any prior warning, and the temptations I feel now are so strong that I can't overcome them. Why, precisely now when I'm in such a good place and feel so much better about myself, suddenly everything is turned around? I so much don't want to fall again because I'll know how I'll feel afterwards, but the temptations are stronger than me, I can't overpower them! Believe me Rebbe, I tried everything. I even reviewed in my head all the talks that we had in the past, but nothing helps. The Rav has no idea how hard it was for me to call".
He was silent. I could hear his deep breathing. "How, in Heaven's name", I said to myself, "am I to help Yerachmiel to do something that I myself cannot do? Yerachmiel is a thousand times stronger than me. How transparent am I being if I even try to help him! Chaza"l meant exactly my situation when they said 'Fix yourself before you fix others' (Baba Metzia 107b) and 'preach well and practice well' (Chagiga 14b). I'd better hang up and explain later that my battery died".
But something inside me called out: "Come to your senses! Take yourself into your hands! This is not the time for self-pity. Yerachmiel needs you now more than ever. You must get a grip on yourself and be there for him, because you are the only person in the world that can truly understand him". I closed my eyes and tried to distance myself from my situation and think about what Yerachmiel was going through at that moment.
"Yerachmiel dear", I began, "I know how hard it was for you to call me, and I am so glad you called! Regardless of what will happen, whether you fall or not in the end, the simple fact that you called proves to me once again that my good impression of you is 100% correct. You are a super-hero! After all, we spoke about how even if sometimes we fall, we win many more times, and what you did right now is a perfect example of that. Just by calling me, you have already won the Yetzer Hara. What did you think - that precisely when you are doing so well and are feeling happy and fulfilled, the devious and cunning Yetzer who knows you so well - will just stand on the side and surrender without a battle? Of course not! He knows your tremendous longing for perfection, and he understands that precisely now, a fall would cause you to get down on yourself and enter into a whirlpool of self-pity, from which the path to hopelessness and closing up is short indeed."
All of a sudden, the reality of what I had been in the midst of doing struck me. "Yerachmiel", I said quietly, "would it be Ok if I called you back in a few moments?"
"Sure" he replied.
I quickly hung up and realized something incredible. The Lust, which only a few moments ago had burned in me with all its strength, had disappeared as if it had never been. "What is a man like me doing here?" I asked myself. I stopped what I had been doing, gathered myself together and left the room.
This is the first time in my life that I left a situation like that without feeling deep regret and self-pity. This time I left with my head held high. I had been on the very edge of the abyss - and yet I was extricated. My heart filled with a deep sense of fulfillment.
The power of having a sponsor in this struggle cannot be underestimated. And often the partnership helps the sponsor just as much, if not more, than it helps the newcomer. (To try and find a partner/sponsor, see here.