Part 3 - Getting Past the Obstacles
Chapter 9 - Missing Out
One of the yetzer hara’s nastiest tricks is that he makes us feel that by not indulging, we are missing out. He uses this ploy when we are challenged with desire, and even after we emerge victorious. Because its results can be devastating, we must learn how to defend against it.
The yetzer hara starts by hyping up the pleasure, trying to persuade us that what we desire is the greatest thing in the world. He then tells us that if we decide not to give in, we will suffer so much pain that we won’t be able to be happy. He tries to convince us that our decision is whether to miss out on the pleasure and be miserable or to indulge and be happy. He asserts that if we don’t give in, we will be left with nothing. This makes it difficult for us to fight our impulses.
At minimum, this tactic turns our challenges into “losing battles.” Because we don’t really want to win, we just hang on with willpower and aren’t truly in control. This causes our strength to rapidly dwindle, and we are in danger of caving in if the challenge lasts long enough.
The yetzer hara also uses this devious ploy after we have resisted our desires. By telling us that we missed out on an incredible experience, he tries to make us question whether holding strong was worth it. His hope is that we will regret our decision and give in the next time.
This feeling of “missing out” after a victory is the revenge of unfulfilled desires. Even when the test is over, unfulfilled desires can continue to gnaw at us. Left unchecked, they grow stronger and wear us down until they affect our thinking. We begin to feel that we missed out on something great, and on some level, we wish we had given in.
The yetzer hara’s goal is that instead of us being excited about our incredible accomplishment, which would motivate us to future victories, we feel deflated and regretful. This puts us in danger of cracking in future challenges. With no excitement to succeed and with rapidly increasing desires, all we have left is our willpower. And when that finally cracks, we give in without restraint because we have nothing left to stop us.
The yetzer hara also uses this tactic to stop us when we decide to improve. He makes us think, “Can I really live without this pleasure forever? I’ll be missing out on life!” This makes us lose our will to fight.
The first step in addressing feelings of “missing out” is realizing that these feelings are irrational emotions stirred up by the yetzer hara. They have no validity. All we missed was a brief physical pleasure that would have left us feeling unfulfilled. As we discussed in Chapter 3, physical pleasure cannot quench the feeling that “something is missing.” That longing must be dealt with differently. The yetzer hara tries to hijack those feelings and use them to spark desire, but what he is trying to sell us on is actually the cause of our emptiness. Although we might experience some physical enjoyment from indulging, we don’t gain anything on an emotional level, certainly not the ecstasy the yetzer hara promises us.