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Earning the "Tzadik" crown
I joined 90 days ago and BH i made it to 90 days! I cannot thank you enough for the push. I have been wanting to reach this accomplishment for a while now and this site finally helped me succeed!
I just wanted to share with you and all members the following experiences I had on this journey.
It started off pretty easy. Then feelings started coming back. At that point I read the SMART recovery pamphlet (write to info@guardyoureyes.org) which I found to be super helpful in getting me over the initial hump. Over the weeks I was able to keep focused with the help of my wife and this website.
Last night- right when I was about to be crowned with the "Tzaddik" award on the 90-day chart, I was hit hard. My wife encouraged me to celebrate, so I cracked open a few beers. It was great but I felt the urge coming. Right before I went to sleep I made sure my devices were protected. That was a huge step. But it was still not over. My one year old woke up and would not go back to sleep. In the room with her was an iPod that belonged to a sibling of mine. I knew I had it all right there if I wanted. The battle was HUGE. I picked up the iPod and I was about to start flirting with danger. It was such a struggle, but with Hashems help I was able to not give in for almost two hours. I was so upset that it was happening and I was hoping to not fall. Finally my daughter went to sleep. I went to sleep with major urges, but with Hashems help, I fell asleep and woke up clean!!
When I woke up this morning I realized what happened. Hashem wanted me to earn that "Tzaddik" crown. He put me in a position that I was in previously, and where I had failed. It felt like it was the tenth nisayon given to Avraham Avinu. Hashem wanted me to earn it.
This morning I have felt the most amazing feelings I have felt in my life. I felt like a new person and I felt the crown of Tzaddik personally placed by Hashem on my head. I have no other way to explain it. My wife noticed a difference instantly and she exclaimed that I look like a completely new person. A whole new part of me was in the room.
I felt it so important to share with everyone. You have to realize that it won't be a breeze but that is what makes you an olympian. This experience was so amazing for me, and I hope everyone can experience it soon.
Stay with it. It's wild on the other side.
Thank you again.