But although this method will cure some people of their self-consciousness, others will only be partially helped. Self-consciousness often runs deep and can’t always be cured so fast. And some people will be uncomfortable looking themselves in the mirror because they end up focusing on the bad they have done. There can be many contributors to low self-image and it is not so easy to solve (though Chapter 10 and Appendix A might be helpful). Therefore, we must explore other methods of treating social pressure, even if they don’t attack the root of the problem and only stop it from holding us back.
If you are afraid to change your actions because you think others will look down on you, or if you suffer from excess shame because of how you think others view you, try thinking about each person whose opinion you care about individually. What will he think about you? Will he approve or disapprove? Often, by thinking about each person in your life individually rather than thinking about what “everyone” will think about you, it becomes clear that most people won’t view you as badly as you think. They might even approve, or they might not notice anything. The odds that your friends will think poorly of you is low even if you act out of character for yourself, as long as what you are doing is not bad or wrong.
Even if you have thought about each person individually and are convinced that many of your friends will think bad of you for trying to attain self-control, that doesn’t mean they will. This applies even if your friends tease you or confront you. There are many reasons they might react that way. They might be afraid that you will shun them and they fear losing your friendship. They might even worry that you will feel superior and look down on them. If this is what’s bothering them, they will soon realize they have nothing to worry about. They will realize that although you are acquiring self-control, you are not becoming a robot. And they will see that you know that “becoming religious” while hurting your friends is not truly being religious.
Another reason your friends might be bothered by your changes is that they feel guilty that they’re not doing the same. If so, they will eventually learn from your behavior as their own social pressure fizzles, and they will change too. After you break the ice, they will follow your example. Keep up the connection and be careful not to judge them. Some well-timed positive encouragement will help too, as long as you make them feel good about themselves rather than the opposite.
Your friends might have other reasons for reacting negatively toward your changes. It’s difficult to know what those reasons are. But the reason usually isn’t that they think lower of you for changing. They are friends with you for a reason. They admired you even before you made these changes. No doubt, your friends are impressed by what you have done, even if they express negative feelings for whatever reason.
When you stand up for what’s important to you in the face of strong desire and peer pressure, you ultimately gain only respect from yourself and others. Even if they insult you, deep down they respect you and are blown away by your strength to stand up for what you value. Though they might be embarrassed to admit it publicly, they will eventually tell you that they admire you and wish they could be like you. You will be everyone’s inspiration to change. Though it might at first seem that others look down on you, you will ultimately realize that they look up to you as a hero!