Don’t think that building your self-image is dishonest or inappropriate. Our sages have repeatedly emphasized the importance of believing in ourselves, and we need it to overcome our impulses. Even if you don’t realize it, the yetzer hara definitely does. Any inability to view ourselves positively or “religious concerns” that “we really are failing religiously and should stop lying to ourselves” come from him.
Also, we must work hard to detach our morality from how we view ourselves. We must keep our values firm no matter how we have acted. This is hard, because if we know something is wrong but realize we have done it, that creates emotional unrest, and rationalizing that it’s not so bad seems to be the easiest solution. We must calm this discomfort by telling ourselves that we aspire to get it right. We might stumble frequently, and we might be far right now, but we will win the war. That is our life’s goal.
This will clear the way for us to remember that right and wrong is based on Hashem’s decision, not on how we feel about it. We must remember what He has forbidden. This will strengthen our determination to win.
We can align our feelings with Hashem’s rules even further by learning the halachos in depth with a Rebbe. This gets us to grasp that indulging is forbidden and creates an emotional imprint that our actions really matter. These strong feelings of morality help us stop doing what is forbidden (Mesillas Yesharim, Chapter 4; Iggeres HaMussar by Rav Yisroel Salanter). Further, the Midrash (Bamidbar Rabbah 14:4) tells us that when we study the halachos in depth, Hashem minimizes or even removes the yetzer hara in that area. Studying the halachos makes it much easier for us to succeed.
We know it is improper to look at inappropriate images or do other lustful activities. But sometimes, we don’t realize that these actions are actually prohibited. They are. They are not overzealous precautions; they are inherently forbidden. It doesn’t matter if we would never do the “real” sin. These sins themselves are real sins (Mesillas Yesharim, Chapter 11).
Learning the halachos knocks this in. It helps us realize that these actions are inherently asur, which is why we don’t do them. We won’t need to think about whether they will lead us to worse or not (though we will see in Chapter 41 that they do). Just as we would never do an “actual sin” because it is forbidden, we don’t do these sins because they too are forbidden. We must work on this until these actions feel as inappropriate as eating ham. This will give us the strength to stand firm and become great.
The best way to make these prohibitions real is to learn the halachos from a sefer with a Rebbe who will guide and encourage you. He will help you keep the right attitude as you learn the prohibitions, and you will grow strong. Choose the right person from all the rabbis and mentors you know, and let him guide you to success.
Hopefully, we will reach the level where we will be excited to learn the halachos because they empower us never to give in again. The determination this creates will help us reach unprecedented greatness. With this attitude, we can use willpower properly and reach the heights we have dreamed of.