The Library

For those who are not yet familiar with Jack, he is one of the most popular and sincere members of our forum. He is 49 years old and has been struggling with this for 38 years. Jack was on the "Jewish Healing Group" phone conference in the beginning of Elul when the therapist on the line mentioned a recent study that found that it takes 90 days for a person to change the neuron paths in the brain, and thereby change an ingrained thought pattern. The therapist claimed that the study found, that if a person was able to refrain for 90 days from a certain type of behavior they had become accustomed to, it would become much easier afterwards to continue. At that moment, on the phone-line, Jack decided to start his journey and aim for 90 days. I'm happy to announce that Jack is already 84 days clean with the help of all the wonderful people who offer support on the forum and with the help of the Live Hot-line, and by keeping in almost daily touch with us as well.

However, on day 65 or so, Jack began to feel a crisis. Here's what he wrote me, and I forwarded his plea for help to Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski, world renowned addiction expert and Tamid Chacham.

I'm DEPRESSED - i feel like I lost my BEST FRIEND!! The p-n made me happy. There's nothing that can replace that for me. I am empty inside now. I spoke to Elya (on the Hotline ) last night, and he listened to me. There's nothing that made me as happy as those images on the screen, and now that i gave that up, i don't know where to turn for happiness. I'm having a rough time of it. jack.

Rabbi Twerski sent us a fax with a initial response to Jack. It is attached below.

Jack's time-line can be viewed here and his thread on the forum can be viewed here.

Jack continues to search for practical ways to fill the "void" he feels after stopping the addiction. He wrote me the following (and I forwarded it to Rabbi Twerski):

"Sensual pleasures fill a void. But Torah, which is spiritual in nature, cannot possibly fill a missing emotional hole. How do we use Torah to fill in a hole that was caused by something emotional, in my case parents who really did a lot of damage to me emotionally? If you can help me fill the void in this matter, then maybe it will help me with overeating also. You see, I eat (sometimes) till I'm sick and can't do anything productive - all I want to do is sleep. If I can fill the void, i can also stop eating to the point of sickness, and start to progress in areas that i really want to progress in. i could have been a big talmid chacham if i wasn't sleepy all the time from over-eating. You see, my parents did a 'wonderful' job with me".

Rabbi Twerski Replies:

Dear Jack,

In order to have both physical and emotional health, we require proper nutrition. If we lack certain essential vitamins and/or minerals, we develop "deficiency syndromes". Lack of iron and B vitamins may cause depression.

If a child was raised by abusive parents, who, in addition to being unkind to the child, deprived him of proper nutrition, he may be very depressed as an adult. A physician who examines the person may diagnose the nutritional deficiencies and prescribe the missing vitamins and minerals. The person may say, "How are those going to remove the pain of the abuse?" The answer is that the vitamins and minerals will remedy the deficiencies, and he will have to get therapy to deal with the consequences of the abuse.

Human beings are more than just intelligent animals. Indeed, we come into the world essentially as animals and we are to develop ourselves into the spiritual beings we were meant to be. If we lack spirituality, that creates a void. If we lack spirituality and also had abusive parents, we must fulfill ourselves spiritually and get therapy for the consequences of abuse. A lack of either will not solve our emotional problems. Of course, if a person numbs oneself with chemicals, one will not be aware of any void, because one will have no feeling at all.

Yes, we come into the world as animals, and we are to rise above the animal level. Animals are motivated only by their desires. No sense of duty, no sense of responsibility, no sense trying to improve oneself. Many people never rise above an animal level, and are nothing more that intelligent animals who use their intellect to gain gratification.

It is terribly unfortunate that some people descend to below animal levels. Animals have a sex drive and they gratify it, but they do not make an industry out of sex. They do not have perversions. They do not ruin children with pedophilic molestation. They do not exploit others' drives for their own profit.

If we fail to become that which we were meant to be, i.e., spiritual beings, we will feel a void. We would feel that void even if we had the most loving and caring parents in the world. If we fill that spiritual void, we may nevertheless suffer from emotional trauma or deprivation in childhood. The two are separate and should not be confused.

Think seriously about who you are and what you can make of yourself. Sexual gratification may give you momentary pleasure, but does nothing to make you into a better person.

If we are unhappy, we may blame our parents, but blaming someone for our misery is just an excuse so that we don't feel we must do anything to make changes in ourselves. It is true that we may be what our parents made of us, but if we stay that way, it is our own decision to do so.