...Then came GuardYourEyes. At the beginning of February, I discovered GYE and I renewed my commitment to recovery. My life instantly changed. I realized there is hope. The social network of like-minded people with similar struggles brought me instant relief. I declared a new battle on my Yetzer Hara. I realized how small he really was all those years. And so, after 15+ years of battle, I started what I labeled the "final battle that will lead to victory". I was initially inspired by Rav Noach Weinberg's levaya, as I cried there throughout all of the hespedim.
But I could not allow myself too much joy until I brought myself back to where I was. I could not see any form of victory until I arrived at six months. And here I am, six months later. This is officially my longest streak from the day I was introduced to this filth, some 15+ years ago. Should I not celebrate?
In honor of Tu B'Av and six months of sobriety, I am making a BBQ in my backyard. Please join in my Simcha. Everyone is welcome. (And "Bardichev", please bring the Woodford - or whatever that stuff is called).
Whoever is reading this, please wish me a mazel tov on my thread. I still need all the chizuk I can get. As we all know, the battle is never over. After a person beats one Yetzer Hara, another one comes his way. So, please give me tons of chizuk and warm words.
I want to end by thanking the entire GYE family. Each one of you is special. I am amazed with the commitment that each of you fights with. No matter how many times you fall, you get back up. I try to read most of the posts, although I often do not have time to write back. I get tremendous chizuk from reading about your struggles and how you prevail.
With Love, Tears, a Broken Heart, and a Humble Spirit,
Lover of All Jews,
Yaakov
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As I look into the grave to see if I am dead and then notice that I am still alive, I look up to heavens with joy and yell, "there is life! There is Hope! There is a future!"
As I finish burying my addiction, I pause to thank Hashem for not allowing my dark past spoil my life. I thank him as well, for assisting me to finally bury my past, as I rid myself of this addiction.
As I dance at the chasunah of a Benjemanite man and a daughter from another tribe, I realize that the past is gone and we are embarking on a new era. The days of hate are behind us, and the days of love and togetherness are ahead of us. I then turn inwards and contemplate how the yetzer hara's powers are much weaker today, because when there is achdus, there is no yetzer hara.
As I continue to divert my eyes from all immodest material and strengthen myself day by day in the areas of kedusha, I look at my wife, contemplate true spiritual beauty and sigh with relief; "Sheker hachein V'Hevel Hoyefei, etc..." I turn inwards and realize that all peace in the world emanates from true and perfected shalom bayis. This is the secret to our ultimate victory.
As I walk through the streets with big heavy wooden ladders weighing me down, I tell the enemy (the yetzer hara) not to worry; "these ladders are situated on the ground (they are for gashmiyus)". I then laugh in my heart, because I tricked the yetzer hara, for he does not know, "these ladders can reach the heaven". These ladders are for my mizbayach.
As I finish collecting all my firewood, I bring it close to my heart and declare; "B'lvavi Mishkan Evne - in my heart I build a mishkan".
As I sit lonely in my living room, waiting for my Beloved One to return, I suddenly hear a knock at the door and hear,"Kol Dodi Dofek" (it is my loved one knocking). Ellul is approaching.
As I stand trembling in awe, His holy messenger declares with a sign of great happiness, "Today we are building the Beis Hamikdash". The day of Happiness, is the day of the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash. My heart skips a beat. Am I dreaming?
I then turn to my Creator in a moment of true dedication and state:
"I am all yours. I hereby sacrifice my entire life to you."
What greater joy can there be!