I am happy to report that I had a wonderful weekend. In the beginning when I got to the country, I was triggered to fall back into the same bad patterns as previous years. It took quite a bit of energy to resist, but after that B"H, I was not put into any compromising situations. Now I have to focus on creating a schedule during the week while my family is away that will keep me around people so that the loneliness factor won't overwhelm me. I must say that it was refreshing that I was not thinking about the garbage that I could do when I came home. I was actually anxious to come back so that I could update my thread on the forum. What a difference!
Yesterday was my first day while my family was away. What an eye-opener when I was faced with all those hours that I have wasted in the past years in the pursuit of garbage. I worked on creating a daily regimen (especially for the nights) that will take me till the minute I go to sleep. Meanwhile, I have privately started my own one-day-at-a-time count for the days that I am alone. I will need special Siyata Dishmaya during this time.
My family being away causes a deep hole in my life, and for the first time since I joined this forum I felt like I was fighting without any real Ratzon. The ONLY ONLY ONLY reason that I did not give in was this forum - and I owe you my life!! I was reading through the threads and I started crying to Hashem to please help me and the tears were flowing and I was not in a completely private place and people must have seen but I don't care because this is my life I am talking about! I hope that Hashem will give me the strength to make the adjustments I need to get through this very difficult part of my journey. I know that Hashem would not put me in this situation if I could not handle it.
I can't believe it! This is the first week in my life that I can go back to my wife in the country without feeling guilty about how I spent the week. I will be going this afternoon and will try not to go on the computer at all till I come back Sunday. I thank everyone again on this site. You saved me this week.
I feel that I am finally touching the very tip of the iceberg of how to relate to Hashem, and I cannot believe the internal change I feel. It is truly an amazing and very humbling feeling to realize that Hashem is with me every moment of the day and night, waiting for me to call out to Him and holding my hand. It is the sweetest feeling in the world, and I hope to continue to learn how to further deepen my relationship with Hashem and do His will.