I dreaded the very thought of rehab. Going to rehab meant I would lose my business. It meant I would be thousands of dollars in debt when I got out due to not earning money while I'm there. It meant 35 days of lonely hell with people I would never choose to socialize with in the real world. It meant having my phone, books, schedule, and freedom stripped from me. I would be told when to wake up. When to go so sleep. When to make phone calls. When to eat. It meant somehow mustering up $35,000 to pay for all this. It meant dealing with the complications of being a religious Jew in a non religious environment. How would I keep Kosher? What about Shabbos? I was going to be there for Rosh Hashanah, what do I do about Shofar, the simanim? And the scariest of all, It meant people might find out. People like my in laws, my mom, and maybe others if the word got out. What do I tell them?
I spoke about it with my wife. I knew the therapist was right. Something wasnt working. There were issues buried under the surface. Issues that had been there for years, and it seemed no amount of therapy, meetings, or phone calls were budging them. There was abuse, both physical and sexual. There was major trauma. PTSD. Anxiety of all sorts. My coping skills were pathetic. My sense of self was nil. I was completely codependant. My relationship with a Higher Power was shattered and hidden amongst the rubble of all the shame and panic attacks and pain of just trying to hold onto sanity for the last 15 years. For some reason or another these issues were unable to budge without the intensity and focus that only an inpatient rehab could provide. I needed to get away from all the distractions for a while and go deep inside me to face those demons that were threatening to destroy me. I was finally willing to risk losing everything to get better. We decided that I should go.
I'm now on day #6 in a wonderful inpatient rehab called "The Meadows". Its the gold standard for addiction treatment. It was recommended by my therapist because they are famous for helping patients get to the core issues that have been plaguing them for years and they specialize in trauma work. I've been wearing my kippah and have been completely accepted by the other patients, some of whom are Jewish as well. Kosher food is being delivered twice a week from Phoenix and is actually pretty good. Last Shabbos I lit candles in the dining room and made a few nice Shabbos meals. The staff couldn’t be more accommodating. Getting off that plane in the Phoenix airport was probably the most humbling things I've ever done, but I have no doubt that I've made the right decision. The amazing warmth and acceptance that I've experienced so far has gotten me to realize that there are genuinely good people are everywhere, whether Jew or non Jew. The care and concern I have received here, as well as the friends I've made has really helped me restore my faith in the goodness of all humanity. At the core, we are all people, even though we like to think we are so different. We all experience the same emotions of fear, happiness, joy, and anger. And here at The Meadows, we are all trying to get better.
So far none of my worse fears have come true. My dad graciously lent me the money to pay for the rehab (a very large amount) which eases the financial burden tremendously. My wife has started talking to me again, and even looks forward to my calls and gets disappointed when I don't call as often as I should. My in laws have been accepting and forgiving, even expressing to me that they still love and support me. These are just some of the amazing miracles I've experienced since making the decision to come here. G-d willing the miracles will continue, culminating with the greatest miracle of all: Happiness and Freedom.
It's late here and I have to go sleep, but I would love to give you guys more detail about what the day to day schedule is like, some of the interesting therapy techniques they use, and even introduce you to some of the amazing people I've met here so far. So stay tuned.
A Yid In Rehab