Sorry to burst everyone's pre-Shavuot highs, but I'm having a bit of a crisis. I don't know how to internalize everything written on this site, including the 12 steps.
- I've read the 2 handbooks, both the GYE Handbook and the Attitude Handbook.
- I am trying to be honest with myself, and I post on the forum.
- I've admitted that I have a lust addiction and can't beat this thing myself.
- I've read a lot of material about the 12 steps.
- I've read the GYE tips and even committed (bli neder) to give 200 shekel every time I fall. I've given 200 so far, need to give now another 200 (I see somebody getting rich off my sinning).
- I've tried so far unsuccessfully to attend both SA and SLAA meetings (I've called and emailed representatives of both).
- I've joined a daily accountability group within SLAA.
Nothing has helped!!! I still feel lustful, lonely and bored. I still surf the net. I still act out. I make promises every morning, only to break them way too often.
I've read over and over on the forum and on the website that it can be done, and I've seen all the great stories to this effect, but HOW? How do you take the tefillot and promises made upon waking up and internalize them/carry them out throughout the day?
Dear ShomerAyin,
Your case is typical of this insidious addiction. We all went through the same thing that you are going through now. So it's important to clarify a few things, not just for you - but for everyone here.
First of all, the GYE handbook is not supposed to help by simply "reading" through it. It doesn't contain any magic in its words. It simply gives us a framework of tools to guide us through recovery.
Although we do indeed suggest that one reads the handbook from beginning to end at first, this is only so that we learn what tools are available, and, that there is hope - no matter how far the addiction has progressed. However, reading it alone won't give us very much if we don't work the tools discussed therein, slowly but surely, with patience, thought and determination.
So now that you've indeed read it ShomerAyin, and now that you've seen all the tools available and internalized that it is possible to break free no matter how far advanced the addiction may have progressed, let's go back to tool #1 of the handbook and work it though. Then we'll move on to tool #2, etc... In other words, the handbooks only give us a framework to work with, but the tools can't do anything just by "knowing" about them if they are not USED.
We want to help you, ShomerAyin, but let's do it right this time, and let's do it systematically. You can use the power of the forum to tell us what have you done - or are doing - about each tool. Let's start with tool #1. Did it work for you, or it does it not seem to be enough on its own? Ok, so let's move on to tool #2. What can you take out of this tool in a practical sense? What parts have you tried already? What parts have you not tried yet? Do you have doubts, questions, or comments about it? Let's discuss each tool by itself, on the forum, one at a time.
You did mention (above) one aspect of tool #3 ("Making Fences"), i.e. that you tried committing to give 200 Shekel each time you fall. Well, how about the other ideas in tool #3, such as committing to taking a 10 minute walk BEFORE falling, or making a whole list of things that you commit to do BEFORE you let yourself fall? We can discuss this - and many other practical ideas - more in depth on the forum, tool by tool, step by step. And if we find that tool #3 is not enough, we will move on to tool #4...
In other words, YES, it can be done! But it takes time, careful thought, work and determination. There are no "magic" formulas. But this time, ShomerAyin, we will work together with you, and we will use the framework of the handbook to start making steady and systematic progress. Not like all the other times, that we got inspired for a week or two, maybe even a month, but then we lost it all again...
Also, about the 12-Step groups, I am sure that if you are indeed determined to join up with them, you will find a way. They will get back to you eventually. The Yetzer Hara knows that he's a goner once you join these groups, so he's doing everything he can to prevent you from joining. Daven to Hashem for help, and you will see all the barriers crumble away. Be aware that Hashem is often just testing our determination!
Addiction is an illness, and the medicine required for recovery is working the tools of recovery, as written in the GYE Handbooks. Personally for me, my illness had progressed to such a level that I needed to take a strong dose of medicine to get recovery. I have heard mentioned at meetings, "how much does a person need to put into their program to get well?" And I was told to gauge it by my acting out. In other words, I should put as much time and effort into my recovery as I did into my acting out. And for me, I put hours and hours of time and effort into my addiction, so consequently, the first 12 tools of the GYE Handbook were not enough to get me well on their own, and I have to attend SA meetings and do therapy (see tools #13-#15 of the GYE Handbook). Even therapy on its own was not enough.
At the beginning, it can be hard to find the level that you require, but if a person is honest with themselves and has the desire to get recovery, they will start working the tools and increasing the dose progressively - as the handbook suggests, until they achieve full recovery.
As it so famously says in the AA Big Book:
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest".
To end, I just want to write that since I have started posting on the forum, my recovery has undergone a major overhaul, as I now practice the tools that I write about. I am so grateful that there is a forum where I can connect to recovery and that helps me in my Avodas Hashem as well.
London.
Thank you for the beautiful post. I felt so down today, like there's no hope for me. You've given me reason to continue. I felt as if all my options were closed, and you've just opened another door for me to walk through.
Thank you for being willing to walk me through this journey. Bli neder, beezrat haShem I'll start with this tomorrow.