Although going strong for 28 days now, I almost just lost it due to "a regular everyday news story". As I was logging on to my e-mail account, there was a story about a controversial picture on the front cover of a magazine. Out of habit I clicked on it, but soon came to my senses before going down the slippery slope. Although I came close to throwing in the towel (I believe this was my closet call), I am glad and lucky that Hashem is on my side and I was able to walk away.
Today marks the big 30, it has been 30 days since I started my battle against the Yetzer Hara/addiction. During the last 30 days, he has taken unprecedented steps to get me back onto his side. His latest attempt started last night around 5:30 AM, he had me up against the ropes, I was already seeing double, and wobbling. I was both physically and emotionally drained (I have not slept well for the past few nights). My brain was spinning so fast that during Maariv I was so torn that I am still not sure if I even said half the words. At one point I turned to the Ribono Shel Olam and said "You created him. He is Your problem. You deal with him".
This morning (after another sleepless night), I was so weak that I had to drag myself out of bed and as usual, I went to the mikvah. I was so weak that I didn't have the strength to climb back out of the mikvah. While I was standing there I said to myself "Moshe you can't stay here forever, lets go". I then finished up and slowly made my way to shul. I said the short Yehi Ratzon before donning my tefillin with some extra feeling, and as I was making the bracha, Hashem infused me with simcha and strength like nothing I have ever felt before.
And that's not the end of the story my friends.
Yesterday I was in a used book store for the first time, that was known to have a Jewish section. I was browsing when I notice a book titled Toras Shimon. I picked up thinking it was something else, but upon closer inspection I saw that it was divrei torah from Rebbe Shimon Yoruslaver, one of the great chasidic giants. Who among us doesn't have a little chasidus in our hearts - and besides, the book was only $1.50 so I bought it. This morning I had a few minutes so I decided to look up a vort on this week's parshah. There were two, I read the first one and here it is:
(Bereishis 27:27) "And he smelled the scent of his garments".
Says the Rebbe, the Zohar Hakodesh explains the Torah's use of the word "Beged" over the word "Levush" when referring to Yaakov's garments, as alluding to those descendants of Yaakov who were bound to betray his legacy. The word "begadov -garment" and "bogdov - his betrayers" are similar in their spelling. But, continues the Rebbe, they were promised that they would eventually find the strength to wholeheartedly repent and emit a Godly scent of Teshuvah. It was this scent, explains the Rebbe, the scent of eventual Teshuvah from those who had betrayed, that was emanating from Yaakov's garments.
WOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This gave me a lot of strength. The wonderful scent that Yitzchak smelled on Yaakov was coming davka coming from those who had rebelled and had done teshuvah!
There were thousands of books in the store and I mistakenly picked this one up, only hours before I need it most when I was feeling the weakest.
It is my wish that the Ribono Shel Olom should give me and all of us the strength the reach a level of holiness where not just us - but even our garments - should emanate with the scent of kedusha.
Thank you and good shabbos.