I just had a moment of weakness; a few minutes of teiva (desire for lust) that I have not properly had in quite a while.
Boruch Hashem I was successful, despite lowering my guard for a few minutes. The alarm bells were ringing and many thoughts and memories overwhelmed me with the feeling of not wanting to let down myself, those who care and love me, and also our dear members and supporters on the GYE forum.
I then re-discovered the 'Windows of the Soul' handbook; This is my favorite and is an awesome and beautiful resource to receive guidance and Divine assistance.
The next thing that was re-read was from the Attitude handbook: #22. "Catching ourselves as we begin to slip". Although I read this after my decision to turn away from any feelings and desire for lust, b'Ezrat Hashem I can relate to that which Yosef HaTzadik prayed for:
The Satan said to Yoseph: "Don't you see that you already messed everything up? Don't you realize what a goner you are? Your brothers hate you and sold you to Mitzrayim, nobody cares about you any more. You're lost and cut off from this world and the next. And now you've failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!"
But Yoseph Hatzadik said "no! I don't care about anything - not even about being a Tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I need to do at this very moment? What does my Father in Heaven want from me right now?"
Elul is our opportunity to rejuvenate and change who we are. Rabbeinu Yonah mentions in Shaarei Teshuva that Elul should not be dark and frightening, but rather uplifting, joyful and exciting, as we renew our relationship with HKB"H.
A parable for Teshuvah is brought down about a group of prisoners who dug an escape route from the King's prison cell. When the prison guard discovered this, he found a lone prisoner who had not escaped and the guard slapped him round the face and abused him for his laziness or stupidity in not escaping.
Although we have sinned and are "imprisoned" in our iniquity (and maybe even sentenced to grave punishment c"v), Hashem knows that we have an escape route - Teshuva.
Elul is our chance to 'get out of jail free' although we need to make enormous efforts and resist against anything that is not in our nature as the children of Hashem.