Shalom Aleichem to the entire GYE community!
I am finally here after my long journey of almost 30 years! Yes, for 30 years I’ve been looking to whom to turn, to tell my story, and still to feel comfortable that nobody finds out what goes on deep inside me. I have had no luck until, finally, I have found what I was looking for.
יראתי בפצותי שיח להשחיל, I’ve been debating for the last 2 weeks, should I write my story or not, because, once it’s written, there is no way back - my story is out. Plus, my mind keeps on telling me that תשובה can’t come through the internet, the internet is so טמא and how can it come from that direction. I am used to doing תשובה through Misser, Sifrei Kodesh, Tzdakah, Sigufim, etc., but not through the internet! But then, I figured that if I can get out from my sickness through the internet, I just don’t care, I can do תשובה on that after I do תשובה for my sickness, and it’s only another trick from my יצר הרע.
So let me tell you why I’m telling you my long story:
1) I have read many posts here, and I feel that in order to get the healing and the chizuk, I must write my long story;
2) דאגה בלב איש, ישחנה לאחרים,Shlomo hamelech tells us that if you have anything stressing on your chest, if you tell it to someone, it will help your healing;
3) צרת הרבים חצי נחמה, as I have read on many posts, I saw that I’m not the only one suffering from this sickness;
4) מצוות וידוי, in order to do תשובה there must be a וידוי. This will be the starting point of my תשובה.
I'm part of this great and wonderful community since a week before Pesach. This is what I was missing and was looking for for the last 30 years. I held it in me for 30 years, and just to get my story out of me is a 50% healing; now I know that it’s a sickness, which needs to be healed.
I’m a chasidish yingerman from Boro Park, married to my beloved wife. We have five children. I’m the yingerman who everyone looks up to: at home, in the family, in shul, all my friends - my outside tells them that I’m the frum geshmak chasidish yingerman. I’m davening ehrlich, I’m learning every morning and night, I always have a dvar halacha to say.
But that’s only on the outside. And on the inside? It’s the exact opposite. If anyone finds out who I am really, I would be expelled from everywhere: family, shul, and friends; I’m so dusty, dirty, and tomei.
I began acting out as early as 8 or 9 years old…
[Many details of the long story were removed by editor]
… after kollel, I had 3 jobs, including my current one, and most of the day I was on porn sites. I was managing that my superiors shouldn't find out since I know well how networks work (at least I think so, who knows). Little do my bosses know how much I’m working, which besides Moitse Zera Levaatula, it’s bad because of stealing money. Also, I keep on masturbating at night in bed. I used to have my phone charging next to my bed, and when my wife was asleep, at the beginning of the night or in the morning, even before washing my hands, I would search for porn and masturbate, so my day started and ended with watching all kinds of porn. I was watching porn on the job, looking around in mikvah at undressed people, driving around to find attractive women. All day, fantasizing how I’m making out with another woman, what a miracle that there are no female employees in our company, I could definitely go another step down, ודי למבין
While riding this rollercoaster, I was still trying to stay clean. The longest I could stay clean was for maybe 10 days, and by now, I just feel that’s a waste of time! So I don’t even try anymore to stay clean, I just keep doing what I’ve been doing for the last 30 years and by now, it feels good, but a minute after the action I feel so bad.
But here is the punch line!!!
On Erev Rosh Chodesh Nisson, I went to our local cemetery. It’s an עת רצון at that day, so I went to the kever of my Rebbe and to my 2 grandfathers’ keverim, and I was praying with tears that they should help me with my kedisha problems. I told them that I’m not davening for me because for myself I’m for now fine, I love to do what I do, but I’m begging them just for kvod shumayim. Then, I went to my best friend’s kever. (I was very close with him; he died at a very young age.) There, I begged him he should do me a favor and be מתפלל for me that I should become clean. After a week of that day, the miracle happened and I got an email from GYE. I don’t know how I got on the email list, but I got it! I began looking around the site and I was amazed: the 90 days chart, the forum, how much help there is all over, the chizik you get here! Why in the world didn’t I know about it earlier?! Right away, I signed up for the daily emails, the 90-day chart, and the main thing I found out that it’s not about ups and downs anymore, it’s about a real sickness which has to be healed first, and only then I can start doing תשובה and hope to be מצליח.
To finalize: I need to work on myself not to look at porn, so I installed good filters; then, I have the problem on the street, so I’m working on that too. There is no argument that this is the biggest נסיון of today. That’s why I am here on GYE - to get the right chizik and support.
I started the 90 Days chart a week before Pesach, but last night, מוצאי פסח, I failed big time. It was after not looking at any porn site for full 2 weeks, not looking at women on the street, I was very successful with both of that, I was so proud of myself, I was sure that I’m clean already for the rest of my life! I forgot that this is my struggle and נסיון for life! But then, I had a big let down, and I hope that my fall will be my ירידה לצורך עליה.
One thing I can definitely say, the GYE handbook is נורא נוראות, it’s a very helpful book.
I hope that posting my story will help me and others so they can see that they are not alone in this huge ocean, and like the gemara says: כל המתפלל בעד חבירו הוא נענה תחילה. Interesting point is, that I found myself davening on yom tov for the members of GYE.
Let’s pray together that we should all stay clean for the rest of our lives, the רבוש''ע should eliminate our יצר הרע and we should all go together to be מקבל פנים משיח צדקינו with our clean heads, up in the air, we shouldn’t be ashamed any more, במהרה בימינו אמן