When to start talking.
When do we start talking? A lot sooner than most parents are comfortable with.
Research suggests that children as young as 10-11 years of age have viewed pornography, with some suggesting that it may be as young as 5 to 6 years of age.
Basically, as soon as your child is able to use a search engine, or is watching videos on YouTube, there is a good chance that they will stumble across porn. Which means that you need to start talking age-appropriately to kids from as young as five or six. (And yes, you can talk age appropriately to a five a year old without scarring them (or you) for life.)
Even if you are a technology free household or restrict your child’s access to the internet, your child is still at risk as they may still stumble across sexually explicit material outside the family home.
There are a few warning signs that may signal that your child has been accessing sexually explicit material:
Sometimes we go to start our first conversation about pornography with our child, to discover that we are too late and that our child has already viewed it. For kids today, the reality is that it is harder to avoid pornography than to find it.
If your child has already stumbled across pornographic material, it is important to stay calm. Let them know that you aren’t angry with them, and reassure them that you are glad that they have told you, so that you can help them to make sense of what they saw.
Ask them how they came across it, what they saw, and how it made them feel. It is important to not embarrass or shame them during the conversation.
If they were shown it by a friend, let them explain what happened, talk about how it made them feel and how they can respond if it happens again.
If they went looking for it, let them explain why they went looking for the material, talk about how it made them feel and discuss better ways for them to find out about sexuality in the future.
If your child has been viewing pornography frequently, you may be wondering if you need to seek professional help. This is a difficult question to answer as it depends on the severity of the material that the child was viewing: were the images limited to just body parts or did it include graphic sexual acts, violence or animals? Has the child acted out in a way that is sexually inappropriate or acted out what they saw with another child?
If your child is clearly traumatised by the material viewed, regularly views pornography, or later ‘acts out’ sexually with against another child, then you will want to consider seeking the help of a health professional with expertise in the area of pornography. True Relationships & Reproductive Health have created an app, The Traffic Lights®, that can help with identifying and managing sexual behaviours in children and adolescents.
If your child is viewing pornographic material frequently, you may be wondering if your child has an addiction. Sometimes it can be hard to determine the difference between a habit of watching porn and an addiction where you try to stop but just can’t. Whichever it is, there are some things that you can do as a parent to help your child. And keep in the back of your mind, that sometimes viewing pornography is a sign that something else is going on. Sometimes kids become sexualised before they are ready, and seek our pornography because of this.
When we look at protecting kids from pornography, it depends on what you mean by protection.
Are you talking about preventing your child from deliberately looking for pornography? Or are you looking at protecting your child from accidentally stumbling upon pornography? Or are you looking at teaching your child about what to do when they do find it?
As you can see, it isn’t as simple as just installing some internet filters and leaving it at that. We need a range of strategies if we want to keep our kids safe from the harmful effects of pornography.
As a parent, we need to think of porn as we would think of any other risk that our kids face. Not all kids use drugs, drink alcohol and have an unwanted pregnancy. The reason that they don’t is usually because they have been empowered with knowledge and have made an informed decision.
Here are some suggestions on what you can do to empower your own child!
You need to warn your child by telling them what pornography is and why it is bad.
Warn your child that they may find private pictures or movies of adults doing private things together, they may be naked and it may look like they are hurting each other. We call it porn or pornography. And it isn’t good for kids to see – it is a grown up thing.
Just remember that the younger the child, the less detail they require. As your child grows older , you can start to add in more details. Sometimes finding the right words to use is challenging, and age-appropriate scripts can come in handy.
Try reading your child a book like ‘Hayden-Reece learns what to do if children see pornography’ by Holly-ann Martin from Safe 4 Kids (due to be published in August 2016),‘The Internet is Like a Puddle’ by Shona Innes, or ‘Good Pictures Bad Pictures’ by Kristen A. Jenson. For tweens, the book ‘The Secret Business of Relationships, Love and Sex’ by Heather Anderson, Fay Angelo and Rose Stewart, has a section towards the back that talks about porn.
Books can help when trying to start a difficult conversation. You can read the book, and then refer back to it later on.
Tell your child that they may accidentally find these images or videos on the computer, their tablets, cartoons, video games, YouTube, phones and even books or magazines.
That if they stumble across these images, that they need to turn it off or turn away and to talk to a parent or trusted adult immediately. Reassure them that they won’t get into trouble.
You can delay exposure for younger children by using software filters or child-friendly apps(like YouTube Kids) or blocking popups. Just remember though, that you can’t use this as your only strategy, as your child may still stumble across images in other ways eg through friends and unfiltered computers.
This strategy isn’t as effective for older children and teens, as they usually work out how to get around parental controls in the home and will have internet access outside of the home. If you have a child who is regularly watching porn, you may want to consider filtering software as well as monitoring software on all internet-enabled devices (computer, tablets, phones, iPods etc).
Parents need to be very clear and upfront in regards to defining the family rules about online use.
>> The computer should ideally be kept in the main living area, with the screen positioned so that it is easily visible.
>> Devices should also be kept out of bedrooms.
>> Limit and monitor your child’s time on the computer.
>> Become more computer savvy – get your kids to show you how a new game or site works.
>> No chatrooms – if used to only be public chatrooms and message boards on kid sites that you have approved.
>> Establish clear online rules (here is an example of a family contract for online safety).
Talking to your kids about pornography is a conversation that you need to keep having – a once off chat isn’t enough. Like most things, you can’t cover everything that your child needs to know in one conversation. They will either forget about it or may not fully understand what you have said.
There are a number of ways that you can keep the porn conversation going. Not all kids will ask you questions, so it is important to find ways to initiate conversations without it feeling like a lecture – most kids will stop listening if it turns into a lecture!
You can’t possibly cover everything that your child needs to know about pornography in one big talk (even if you think you have covered everything). It is about lots of small, frequent conversations over a long period of time. Remember it shouldn’t be a lecture or your child will instantly stop listening!
You need to use simple straightforward language when talking to kids about pornography. Clear language at a level that is age appropriate helps your child avoid misunderstanding and confusion.
If they are old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to know the answer. Be honest and if you don’t know the answer, tell them that you will get back to them with the answer (and make sure that you do).
Try asking your child what they think before you answer a question. This way you can regain your composure, discover what they already know and work out what exactly it is that they are wanting to know.
Start looking for everyday moments that you can turn into an opportunity to talk to your child about pornography. Once you start looking you can find many opportunities to talk in a way that feels more casual. For example:
>> You may both be watching a show on TV, and you hear a reference to pornography in it.
>> You are both driving somewhere and you pass a billboard with a scantily clad woman on it.
>> You notice your child clicking out of websites when you walk past the computer.
>> You hear a story from another parent about how big a problem sexting has become at your child’s school.
These are all opportunities that you can use to start a conversation about pornography.
Sometimes, it can be easier to talk about a tough topic when you plan ahead for it. Work out what information or facts that you want to share and how you plan to start the conversation. Having the words can help you feel more confident, be clearer and quicker!
The first conversation that you have with your child about pornography will be the hardest.
The hardest part is knowing what words to use. To make life much easier, you can download my age appropriate scripts about pornography that will help you to start talking with your kids about sex.
And I will share one last tip that made my first talk to my kids about porn much easier – write the words (that you want to say) on a post-it note that you can refer to during the chat. It won’t feel as clumsy and you won’t have to stress about whether you are saying it right!
Best of luck, and hey… if you can talk to your kids about pornography, then I think that you can pretty much talk to them about anything!