I fell today, but I'm actually happy that I fell!
I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty or angry at all!
I admitted, regretted, and resolved to do better, shortly after my fall.
Then I immersed in the mikvah, said tikkun haklali, and kept learning Torah all day.
I don't think I've ever been this happy before in my life!
Why?
Well for one, I was clean for a day longer this time than I was the last time!
Secondly - this gives me an opportunity to learn from my fall. I'm gonna stop watching all video media (except for Torah and mitzvah related videos) - no more TV, no more movies, nothing.
I got so accustomed to watching regular TV shows and movies, but I see now that this is what gets me on the slope to fall.
Baruch Hashem. The yetzer hara may have gotten this sin outta me, but he didn't get any anger, depression or guilt!
I love my Father in Heaven and I'm excited to have the opportunity to re-align my priorities and emerge from this fall even stronger!
I've been learning a lot of Breslov lately (can you tell?)
There was one line in a Breslov pamphlet that really struck me: "You can't be happy and angry at the same time". You also can't be happy and depressed. You also can't be happy and worried."
By living life with pure joy, no negative emotions have any room to enter. No negative emotions, no feelings of deep lacking, no pathetic attempts at inappropriate stimulation to fill the void - because there is no void!
I'm not gonna grow payos and a long beard and go dancing in the streets (for the sake of shalom bayis :) ... but Rebbe Nachman was a genius and a True Tzaddik!