I'm on the subway heading to work in Manhattan. It's 77 degrees outside, a beautiful blue-sky day. I'm 7 days clean since the last fall and had 15 days clean before that so I'm in a powerful, strong, uplifted mood as if nothing can break me. We've all had that confident feeling before.
I open my uVelechtecha BaDerech app and start saying Tikkun Haklali - day 37 of a 40-day goal! Exciting! If HaShem read the script, a Yeshua must be imminent!
The train stops, my eyes glance upwards. Oh no, am I in a ladies bathroom? What's going on around me? Is it just me or have the shorts gotten shorter than last summer?
I direct my eyes back down towards my iPhone. I click on my Mishnayos bookmark, remembering what I was taught by the Mekubel Reb Dovid Chaim Stern Shlitah, to memorize Mishnayos Baal Peh for Shmiras Einayim. I start thinking Arba Avos Nezikin...
The train stops. A woman sits down next to me - am I in a strip club? Why is she wearing such revealing things! Ugh, it's so offensive to me, my blood boils. But I must stop stressing about everyone else and focus on myself! I look back down and continue, Hashor, Habor, Hamaveh...
Someone collecting money makes an announcement, I look up across the carriage, and suddenly my eyes can't seem to rest! I gaze from one woman to the next, my Yetzer Horah urging me not to stop, providing thoughts I don't want to entertain.
Please HaShem, help me! Why must I suffer like this? I'm trying so hard to guard my eyes, why am I seeing all this nonsense?
I compose myself, eyes back down to the iPhone. I click the Halocho tab and carry on reading where I left off yesterday, Hilchos Netilas Yodayim ...
The train arrives at 14th street, I get off. I climb the stairs, eyes turned downwards trying to avoid seeing anymore shmutz. To my chagrin, I discover that there is what to see down there as well. Am I such a sick human being? Why does that even turn me on or excite me? I'm so ashamed of my thoughts.
I get to the next platform and board the uptown train to my office. I sit down and take out the Garden of Peace from my bag, excited to continue reading more wisdom about how to maintain a kosher marriage and how to be a real man in Judaism. I read one paragraph... and again I am distracted by the endless amusements of the NYC subway. Come on, get a grip. I get up and walk to the doors ready to leave at the next stop.
It's only 8:52 am and I feel drained from the past 50 mins fighting on the front lines. How will I make it through the next 50 mins, never mind the day or week or month of this? My heart pounds and I want to scream and jump. I hate this life, why do I suffer like this every moment? Why is it so difficult to just be a normal person and not struggle?
I regain control of my thoughts and HaShem sends a bolt of strength through me and I realize that everyone fighting in the GYE army is experiencing the same struggle. My mission in this world is to fight this evil and HaShem just wants me to try and fight each battle as they come. Don't feel bad if you lost some battles along the way, there are many victories on the horizon.
I emerge from the station onto 42nd street and I march to work a proud jew, knowing that I am a top general in HaShem's army of GYE fighters.