Dear Guard,
Please read my story below. I need advice about what I must do now. My name is Rabbi Moshe, I am a sex and love addict and a kiruv professional. My addiction has progressed to exhibitionism, threatening my parnosso and my sanity. I am also very addicted to porn and masturbation, living in fantasy, and when I go on sprees I am unable to focus on work, life, etc. for days and even weeks at a time. I also have to physically force myself not to act out with prostitutes etc. These behaviors cause me intense shame and pain yet I cannot stop. I am also highly co-dependent with my wife. About 2 weeks ago after dabbling for almost 3 years on GYE with online meetings and the forum and getting a bit of sobriety, with my wife’s consent I finally went to a face to face meeting. Basically that triggered my beginning of finally being honest about my addiction. I went to the second meeting on another Sunday, despite my wife needing me with the kids. And basically I went to more meetings at times she needed me and she shut down, getting angrier and angrier. My sponsor said that I need to do the meetings to get healthy and I feel that to be the truth, but my wife feels I am violating her privacy and trust by sharing secrets of our life with others and she wants a few months break from the program and then I could go back possibly. And if I do go to the meeting Tuesday she will stop talking to me again, and little by little we will move to divorce.
I believe that I have no idea what will happen, but I am now willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get sober as I am very scared of the possible consequences of continued acting out which may cause me to lose everything I have, including my sanity and very possibly suicide.
Basically, what should I do? Should I push it off (and who knows) for shalom bayis, or do I need to go the meetings and do the work for hatzolas nefoshas?
Thanks so much!
Moshe
I feel your pain and confusion. I passed your question on to some of our experts, and I'll let you know when they reply. But I just want to quote something that Harvey said in a talk I was once at (Harvey is one of the founders of SA). He said:
Our addiction is a disease, like diabetes. If the wife of a diabetic would tell her husband not to take the insulin because she doesn’t want to be married to someone who takes insulin all the time, well, she won’t have a husband for much longer!
If we don’t put our sobriety first because we’re afraid to lose what is precious to us, we will probably end up losing it all anyway. But when we’re willing to lose everything and put our sobriety FIRST, we often get to keep everything precious in the end.
I think your wife needs a lot of help and guidance too.
Here is our page of resources for spouses: http://www.guardyoureyes.com/resources/spouses
Your wife should speak to Elya and his wife Esther. She desperately needs support and guidance.
She can also call Miriam, and join the CODA phone conference on GYE.
Hatzlacha
I think that this requires a face-to-face discussion with an addiction specialist. The issues are too big to be handled by e-mail.
Twerski
Moshe,
Do as your wife wants for now. Don't go Tuesday night. Show her she can begin to trust you again. Set a boundary with her that you will not go to meetings when she needs you to help her. You need to find out exactly what and when that is and schedule around it so you're both satisfied. Also, how does your wife know what you discuss in the meetings? Is she assuming or are you telling her? Don't tell her any details about what is discussed. You're not violating HER privacy, you're healing from your shame, guilt and anger. You need to run your program and let her run hers. She needs to go to S-Anon meetings and see how others deal with their husbands. But if she wants to know the truth, have her call my wife. If G-d forbid you had a fatal disease would your wife say you shouldn't take medicine because everyone will know your business? I would hope not. Meetings are the medicine to recover from this. PERIOD. You can manage for a week or two. Make some phone calls to people in the meeting every day, or call me. You can still journal, read the book, work the steps, talk to your sponsor. It is more important to spend time WORKING the steps than going to meetings.
It is not worth breaking up your marriage if you can switch meetings. Your recovery is priority #1 but not at the expense of divorce. I know your sponsor disagrees, but he should be willing for at least a few weeks to talk with you each day and maybe meet during a time that your wife does not need you.
Let me know what happens.
Elya
Dear Moshe,
I miss you and understand your dilemma, though we have not spoken in some time. Most of what I write below I believe is in line with Alcoholics Anonymous, chapters 8 and 9. After you read them and put them into action, things will be different. Do not suggest your wife read them - this is for you. I strongly suggest you read them soon.
Based on what you wrote, two things are clear to me and my suggestions will be as obvious:
1- Yes, your recovery comes first, and yes, you are scared and have every right to be. But you have gone to meetings that were at times that were very inconvenient for your wife. That was a mistake.
Doing that is saying to your wife, "To hell with you - I'm taking care of myself", and that is silly. There is no compromise when it comes to honesty and recovery - but when it comes to human relations and marriage, there is nothing BUT compromise.
There must be meetings available at times that are easier for your wife and kids. And even if the meetings you must go to ARE at bad times for them, you should be able to do something extra for your wife in return for the time you go off to meetings. Your recovery is worth that. Work with the woman!!
OK. Now as far as divorce, I believe that as usual (sorry) you are making a bigger deal out of this that it really is. I even spoke with my own wife about this issue today (she does not know you, nor does she care who you are) and she admitted to me that all the times she said she'd divorce me if x, y, or z, were all lies. Lies to herself.
Your wife is hurting badly, She is bleeding from her heart. She does not understand all this recovery mumbo jumbo and it seems to her like another one of your extremist, excited, and self-centered plans - this one impacting her terribly.
She can't take it.
But she will NOT divorce you over it, if you truly get into recovery, for you WILL become a better person to live with. She will know this.
Why does she know anything you share that is about your personal life there, anyway? What does she mean by this? Have you told her that you share about when she goes to the mikvah, or how she likes or doesn't like to have sex with you, in the meetings? And if you did, have you told her about that? Why? Did you make the common mistake of bringing our wives into our inner nuttiness? That is far more a proof of dependence than the fear of going to meetings - for the reason we typically tell our wives all the details they do not need to hear, is cuz we are so desperate for their approval and sympathy. More childish self-centeredness. If that's what you are doing, then quit it, man. Respect her enough not to vomit on her again.
And if that is not it, and instead she is just upset and scared because she does not trust anonymity and thinks you will be outed in your community and she will lose her reputation over your behavior coming out - then she is just plain wrong. But you can STILL work with her on that! Explain the way meetings work to her - that it is only sexaholics, not the public, and maybe even make an agreement with her that you will only open up partially in the meetings, and only FULLY with your sponsor. Just an idea. Nu, I do not know - but SOME compromise can be made with her. It will probably only need to be kept for a few months - as you start to get better, she will see it first (before you do) and then you can discuss with her that you want to open up fully even in the meetings.
I am sorry if your CODA or SLA sponsor feels that you must get free of her at all costs first no matter what, so that you recover from your dependence on her, too. But even doing THAT can be done like a mentch. She married a mentch...didn't she? Where is room for love? That needs to be asked. Practicing freedom from dependency must be done by expressing TRUE love. Not just more self-centered extremism. That's not recovery, and will not lead to recovery for anybody.
Gevalt. Do recovery fully, give yourself totally to this program of recovery and to your G-d with complete abandon - but don't do it like a baby. You are married man. Start acting like one, Moshe. Be as kind as you can while you get the job done.
I admire and love you very much (but a lot less and a lot differently than your wife does, I am sure),
Dov